The Diet Report

First of all, that scale is out to get me.

After weeks of denial, and giving that square piece of metal with its fancy lithium battery the benefit of the doubt, I am forced to conclude that there are dark forces at work.

Now, I am a reasonable Ma.

I do not latch on to conspiracy theories at the hint of a UFO or the casual encounter with Matt Laurer on the Today Show.

But statistics cannot be denied, numbers don't lie, or as they say in the highest echelons of academia, facts is facts.

IF, hypothetically speaking, one were to pick a certain day of the week to have the official "weigh-in," and IF one were to observe that, 7 times out of 10, the days immediately preceding AND following the "weigh-in" day are consistently lower than said day, one can't help but wonder if there isn't a vast, thin-wing conspiracy.

Svelte people in top managerial positions--positions high in the scale manufacturing aristocracy--have perfected an engineering technique so devious, so shrewd and obliquitous, as to dishearten all of us chubbos right into a cream puff frenzy.

It works something like this: The scale is set to show the correct weight for the first week of use. If any weight loss is detected, the scale is programmed to switch into "yo-yo mode," or the more popular terminology around the scale factory water-cooler, "We is messin' with their minds ! (hee, hee)"

With a back and forth difference of as much as 2.5 pounds from day to day, the poor slob who is supposedly eating and exercising their way to optimal health, is instead thrown into an emotional tilt-a-whirl designed to edge them toward optimal insanity.

Well, this is one little tubster who is not playing the game, see? I am making up my own scale rules, starting now.

For this week, I am averaging Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday's weigh-ins. (I figure the scale doesn't have the physical strength to last more than one day with an erroneous readout.....it needs a day between each episode of trickery for recovery time)

So.....this week's weigh-in: 1V8.5 pounds. A loss of .5 pounds for the week, or a 16 pound loss over 13 weeks.

It hardly seems commensurate with the extra time I have logged on the treadmill this past week (14 miles, to be exact) but I guess that is better than nothing.

One hopes the additional 9 or 10 pounds still to be lost will not require proportionately extraordinary measures.

I am Ma, I am mad, hear me whine.
 

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