The Jim-Bob Report

*backstage*

"...and tell that editor I will not...I repeat, I WILL NOT use the word 'phlegm'....got it?....*mutters*....man...it just makes me wanna slap someone..."

"OK people...15 seconds..."

*whispers among interns*

("Did you take away the shredder...?...and the lighter...?")

*sounds of nodding*

"....in five...four...three...two and...go"

"Good evening everyone. I'm Jim McDonald with tonight's news. It seems that once again we have a shocking incident out of Iowa. My colleague Bob MacCackle has been working the story from his bureau office in Des Moines....Bob? What can you tell us?"

"Howdy do, Jim. It's a recurrent theme, but I'm afraid we've come back again to that Hoyt household. I'm beginning to feel just like a moth drawn to the Pharisees..."

"Uh, Bob...I think you mean pheromones."

"Yeah, yeah...what-ever. If I may get back to the story, Jim, it seems a little controversy has arisen concerning a blog picture that was published on Ma's site this past winter."

"And, what picture is that, Bob"

"Well Jim, first I think we should warn our viewers that this picture contains a rather disturbing image...."

"Bob, I imagine the public is inured to that possibility. Most of them are familiar with the Paris Hilton story, after all..."

"Actually Jim, I was thinking of you. We wouldn't want a repeat of what happened at the hot dog eating contest, now WOULD we...?"

"...*sigh*....Bob, just show the picture."

"Alright then, Jimbo. Here it is:"

*involuntary gasps from studio techs*

"Yes Jim, not a pretty picture. And what's more, the N-triple-A-RAD has heard about this and let me tell you, they are NOT happy."

"The 'N-triple...what ?"

"The National Association Against Abuse of Raggedy Ann Dolls," Jim. Fer cryin' out loud! Don't tell me you've never heard of 'em!"

"Well...I..."

"Never mind Jimsey...I'll bring you up to speed, later. As I was saying, the N-triple-A-RAD is really up in arms. They claim this picture demonstrates willful negligence on the part of Ma, as well as doll endangerment, AND that Ma ex-ploited this atrocity for purposes of self-aggrandizement, by posting this picture on her blog."

"Wow. I am shocked, Bob."

"Right with ya, Jim. How could Ma DO such a thing?"

"No, I mean...I didn't realize you knew the word, 'self-aggrandizment.'"

"Oh Jim...do you think I've been reading 'Word Power' in Reader's Digest all these years for kicks ?....I....I try so hard Jim....*sniff*...and nobody knows....oh man...(Lenny...give me your handkerchief...) (Are you kidding, Bob? No way...)...Jim...for the love of mankind, go to commercial....*sob*....gulb t-kim-mer...*hic*..."

*cut to anchor chair*

"...*cough*...We'll pick up Bob's story at a later date, ladies and gentlemen. In the meantime, we have in our studio the famous presidential historian, Michael Beschloss. This might be a good time to check in with him and get his analysis of the presidential race...Michael? Welcome! What words of political wisdom do you have for us today?"

"Jim, if I may, I would first like to speak to the Ma Hoyt situation. It seems to me we've all overlooked a critical detail in this matter...the fact that Ma's willingness to post that picture, however distressful it may be to some people, shows real leadership on her part.

Sometimes leaders have to make unpopular decisions. Decisions that not everyone will agree with. You can't help but admire her grit and determination to stand up in the face of criticism and hold to her ideals. To go boldly forward in the face of adversity, believing so much in her "vision" that she is willing to undergo vast amounts of persecution for the sake of liberty, democracy and the right to free speech.

And that's what this basically is, Jim...an issue of free speech. Though of course, I could be wrong...maybe..."

"Well I'm afraid that's all we have time for Michael. As always, we appreciate your insights. And frankly I'll have to agree with my wife in saying, 'there's just no historian out there with better teeth and hair.'

And there you have it, folks. This is Jim McDonald for Bob MacCackle saying...

...Good-night."
 

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