Dear Ma,

Lately I've been feeling that something's missing from my life. With all the hoopla over Sarah Palin, I think I finally know what's wrong. All the guys are gushing over her and her abilities to kill and field dress a moose. Of course, they may like her because she's also pretty and has nice hair, but I'm wondering if the huge hole in my life could be filled with moose hunting. The kids are grown and now would be an ideal time to start a new hobby and maybe impress the hubby. What do you think? Should I go out and get a moose-hunting license?

Madge, in Corpus Christi

Dear Madge,

Your instincts are right on target, but maybe you should start smaller and work your way up. Are there any mice in your house? Do you have gophers in your yard? The local hardware store can be very helpful in selecting items for pest-control management. Let me tell you, NOTHING beats the satisfaction of lighting a gopher bomb, tossing it into a tunnel, covering the hole and watching wisps of poisonous smoke ooze out of the cracks in the ground. And you were right about impressing your husband. MY guy was so thrilled with my efforts that he now lets me take care of all the varmints that come our way. I've picked up a snake in the basement, killed raccoons in the breezeway and whapped bats with a broom.

But don't limit yourself to the home front! Much can be accomplished on the open road. I've personally been responsible for the demise of a badger, a seagull and a deer, while driving. No, never underestimate the killing power of a woman in a large vehicle. And if anyone gets on your case, just tell them you're doing your part to decrease global warming, but cutting down on CO2 emissions, which the dead animals won't be emitting, once you're through with 'em.

So, as far as the moose-hunting license goes, you might want to save your money and wait a bit. You'll get faster results if you just go out and buy an SUV.

Plus, it's much more comfy inside a heated vehicle, as opposed to standing out in the snow, gutting a large mammal with palmate antlers.

You go, Madge! And happy hunting,

Ma
 

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