The Jim-Bob Report

"Good evening. I'm Jim McDonald, and tonight we are pleased to bring you a new feature in the broadcast: 'Solution Revolution.' Many of our viewers have written us complaining that the networks report nothing but bad news. Tonight will be different.

And as usual, our man in Des Moines--Bob MacCackle--is on the cusp of this edgy new element. Bob? Why don't you introduce the folks to our new feature this evening?"

"I'd be happy to, Jim. But first, a little background might be in order. Back in the 30's and 40's, or as we like to say in the business...the Dark Ages...news broadcasting was in it's infantile stage: that of merely reporting the news.

As time went on--which it has a habit of doing--news broadcasts evolved from just the retelling of facts, to analyzation and interpretation, or as we like to refer to it, News Massage. And now, in an effort to be even more helpful to our viewers, we'll be bringing actual solutions to today's problems."

"Sounds pretty all-inclusive, doesn't it Bob?"

"That's right Jim. Not only will we be reporting the news, not only will we be telling people what to think a-bout the news, but we can now confidently tell people just what to do about it.....It's....it's just so beautiful, man....*sniff*..."

"There, there Bob, you emotional news lug.....Now, tell us what's on the docket for this evening...."

"Well, Jim, it's been clear for years that the female gender has it's ups and down, emotionally. That's a proven fact. In the past we might have simply reported, 'Studies show girls cry,' or 'Not only do they cry, but it's OK for guys to feel unnerved by it.'

Trouble was, nothing much could be done. But fret no more, O Male Sufferers.

You've heard of the early warning system for tsunamis, and an early warning system for global warming....well now....oh Jim, this is just SO cool....*clears throat*.....Are you listnin', ol' buddy?"

"I'm listening, Bob, as well as watching the clock...."

"Jim, in the interest of harassed men everywhere, the scientists of Micro-Mart have just released a prototype of their latest invention, the "Female Emotional Instability Early Warning System!" or F.U.S.E., for short."

"...F.U.S.E.? Bob, that doesn't quite..."

"Don't worry about acronym accuracy, Jim. It's all about per-cep-tion, man. Now, the basic idea is this...the man places a credit card sized scanner in his shirt pocket, see...and this will interpret the subtle clues from the intended female's facial expression and give a quick voice readout into the wireless earphone placed inconspicuously in the man's fedora...."

"Uh...Bob? Hardly anyone wears a hat anymore..."

"Oh...well....I'm sure the guys at the lab can come up with something. Anyway, if the card sees a raised eyebrow, it immediately goes to Yellow Alert, and whispers the message, 'You may be on shaky ground, try flattery.'

"...*sound of scribbling*...uh huh. Then what, Bob?"

"The next higher stage of alert would be Orange, usually indicated if the female in question starts to frown..."

"Now Bob, just to be absolutely clear, are we talkin' one side of the mouth, or both sides?"

"....*checks notes*.....That's one side, Jimbo. And the message given out would be, 'try more flattery, only this time, act sincere.' Now, a TWO sided frown automatically shifts it up another notch, to Red Alert. Red is not good, Jim. Not good at all. Do you wanna know what the man hears for Red Alert? Huh, Jim?"

"Tell us, Bob. We're all atingle here in the studio..."

" 'You have seriously blown it fellah. Whatza matter? Didn't you have no sisters growin' up?' "

"...I beg you pardon, Bob?"

"That's the message, Jim. For Red Alert...And then, if the scanner senses tears in one or more eyes, it will then declare a Purple Alert, or as they say in the lab, Apoplectic."

"Wow, Bob! That sounds pretty serious. Dare I ask what the warning message would be for Purple Alert?"

"Just this, Jim....'We're sorry. Micro-Mart's inventory scanner has detected female instability. Please step back before you get bruised.' After that, the guy is on his own, Jim. Back to you..."

"Thank you for that helpful report, Bob. And while we're talkin' solutions, we at the studio have been authorized to announce a few innovations of our own. To promote the new 'Solution Revolution' feature, the network is going to place an image you and me, Bob, on all the eggplants across America! How's about them apples, eh Bob?"

"Eggplant? Are you kidding? Purple is not my color, man......."

".....*turns back to audience*....and that's all we have time for, folks. Tune in next time when we show a clip of Katie Couric touring New York City and singing, 'The Wheels on the Bus Go 'Round and 'Round...."

"No wait, Jim. Purple makes me look fat.....!"

*fade to black*
 

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