The Jim-Bob Report

"Good evening. I'm Jim McDonald and today's news has a distinctly political ring. While the midterm elections ended in early November, potential candidates are already positioning themselves for the next presidential election in 2008.

To get a better grasp of what's at stake, we go now to our man in Des Moines, Bob MacCackle. Bob? Merry-Non-Offensive-End-of-Year-Holiday-Celebration to you, my friend."

"Hey, thanks! Right back atcha, Jimbo."

"Now Bob, tell us about this flurry of activity for the presidential election. It's still pretty early, so why all the fuss?"

"Well Jim, it may be early for the hard campaigning, but you have to remember, Iowa has the very first caucus, and the candidates are locking up some of their most important workers at this very moment."

"You're probably talking about the grassroots people, aren't you, Bob? Those volunteers that go door to door with leaflets and chintzy little American flags?"

"Oh no, Jim. I mean the REALLY critical players, I'm talkin' con-sul-tants!"

"Eh? What's that?"

"Consultants. There's a consultant for every people group in America, Jim. They have their pulse to the grindstone and their ears attuned to the nose of the nation. Consultants tell the candidates the right way to approach every voting block. How to think, talk, and yes....even sweat."

"Sweat, Bob? I don't think I understand..."

"It's just this, Jim. If the candidate is speaking before a blue collar crowd, he's better look as though he identifies with the average working schmo. He needs to take off his suit coat, roll up his sleeves, and throw a glass of water under each armpit before he walks out on stage."

"Oooo. That sounds a tad messy, Bob. And what about women? Do the same tactics apply to female candidates?"

"OH no, Jim. Women have it tough when it comes to the lower crust crowds. Female candidates always need to appear fashionable. And if they mention Martha Stewart, they appeal to ex-cons as well as your sublime hostess types. It's a good thing, Jim....a real 'twofer.' "

"I'm speechless, Bob....I..."

"Hang on, Jim. You haven't heard the biggest news of all. Right here in lil' ol' Iowa, I've stumbled onto a brand new consultant firm that is destined to be very hot in the coming 18 months. It's run out of a farmhouse, centrally located."

"In the middle of Des Moines, Bob?"

"No Jim, I mean centrally located in a cornfield. It's headed up by our old friend, Ma Hoyt and goes by the name of ' Schmooze-N-Woo.' In fact, I've just placed a call...I think it's going through....."

*ring, ring.....*

" 'Schmooze-N-Woo,' How may I direct your call?"

"Is this Ma Hoyt?"

"....*pause*....Say, is this the IRS again?"

"No Ma'am. This is Bob MacCackle of the Jim-Bob Report. I'd like to ask a few questions about your new consulting business, if I may...."

"Bob! Why didn't ya say so, you old loser! Ask away."

"Appreciate it, Ma. So tell me, why type of groups do you represent?"

"Well Bob, I deal with the diverse and obscure. Those who've been disenfranchised of their rights to be wooed. Democracy means everyone has the right to be toadied up to, Bob."

"Uh...yeah. But, could you be more specific? Give us a name or two?"

"Oh sure. For instance, I've been hired as a paid consultant in the areas of 'Former Drinkers of Diet Cherry Coke,' 'Drivers of 15-Passenger Vans,' and 'Bakers of Green Tomato Pies,' to name a few. I guess you could said I represent those on the fringes of society."

"But Ma, aren't those groups rather narrow in scope?"

"I prefer the term 'nichey,' Bob. Nichey is the new broad. You get enough nichesters supporting you, and the campaign's sown up."

"Well...right. But...uh..."

"Don't worry, Bob. I'm working to land a really huge gig in the near future. I plan to be one of the country's first Consultant Consultants. It's a massive force whose clout has yet to be recognized. They've been so busy minding the minds of others' they're close to losing their own. But I plan to..."

"Wait, Ma...did you mean 'losing their issues' or 'their minds? ' "

"Both, Bob. It's what we in the consulting business refer to as a 'twofer....' "

"Bob...Bob....this is Jim, back at the studio. I'm afraid I'll have to interrupt since we're running out of time."

*turns back toward audience"

"And that's today's up-to-the-minute news, ladies and gentlemen. Tune in next time when we take an in-depth look at a new work of non-fiction, "Commonalities of Politicians and Bad Appliances."

"For Bob MacCackle in Des Moines, this is Jim McDonald,

Thank you, and goodnight."
 

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