You're Never Too Old to Learn

 
Just know that what you learn may not be all that cheery.

Take the Law of Fatversity, fer instance.

This is a mathematically-based axiom that involves numbers, stress, and the inherent inequality between husbands/fathers and wives/mothers.

The basic principles are thus:

1) If a woman spends a two-week period cutting back on her caloric intake and walking 4-5 miles per day, six days a week, and takes extra calcium, B-complex and 6000 milligrams of C per day (since those extra nutrients are supposed to aid metabolism), she will incur a modest weight loss of half a pound.

If she were to take the next two-week period and continue the weekly exercise regimen but put back into her diet the calories previously excised, she would then gain 2 pounds.

Sound incredible? Unbelievable?

You're right.

In reality she would gain 3 pounds and it would only take one week.

Her husband however, can eat anything he wants, put in moderate amounts of exercise--or not--take minimal vitamin supplements and remain lower in weight than his wife, even though he is six inches taller.

2) Stress supposedly raises the levels of cortisol in the body, leading to less sleep, extra weight gain and the inexplicable desire of the wife to sneak additional fat globules into her husband's food.

Said husband does not suffer from this type of stress, as he has delegated that responsibility to his wife, in keeping with the Biblical mandate put forth in Genesis 1, Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3. She is the weaker vessel. Therefore even her blood vessels are fatter than his.

The singular type of stress experienced by the husband is that which causes one to lose weight. But since this version can only be passed down through the Y chromosome, it's 'tough cookies, Mrs. McGillicuddy.'

3) On the plus side, all that Vitamin C means the wife/mother will catch one less cold during the average year. That's good, for if she ever took time off to get sick and had to lay down and rest, she would just gain more weight.

To sum up...life is rigged.
 

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