"Are You as Out of Shape as a Ma?"

*wild applause*

"Welcome!....Welcome, everyone, to the first episode of Are You as Out of Shape as a Ma?. I'm Dude Perfect, your host. I was chosen because, well...I'm perfect. It was thought I'd be an excellent choice to help show how all of our competitors are real losers.

Our first contestant on this wacky new game show is none other than...Ma, herself! Before we begin Ma, maybe you should give a little bit of background on your physical condition..."

"Well Dude, I was fairly active over most of the summer, but these past 6 weeks or so I've basically been a sloth. And I don't think you can count sitting on the couch doing school with the kids, as exercise. In short, I feel like a whale."

"Well that's just SUPER, Ma! Now, why don't you tell us what you did today. Give us the details of time, intensity and overall type of work."

"Alright. Since the daughter got married, I thought I'd drive down to her place and take care of the weeds that had grown up while she and El Groomo were planning their Hawaiian getaway. In all, I spent just over 9 hours, four of which involved driving. And by the way, I had to balance a Angus Mushroom and Swiss on the drive back, which was no small feat!"

"Ohhhh, that sounds brutal, Ma. Now tell us about the actual workout. I mean, besides the tricky hamburger part."

"Right. Well, there were some very nice weed specimens. I don't like to brag, but not just anyone can grow weeds and let them go to seed like that...it was pretty impressive! And thankfully, it had just rained, so the weed-pulling was not overly taxing."

"OK, So, what you're saying is that you didn't have to work that hard?"

"Did I say that? No. Some of them were almost as tall as me!"

"Soooo, about 4 feet, then?"

"Don't make me get tough with you, Dude. They were a challenge, because, there were so MANY of them. A coupla times I almost got lost! But I persevered. Lunch was only an apple and a chocolate or two. I was there to work, Baby! And work, I did. I even had to take a chair out to the special yard waste can, so I could climb inside and stomp down all those stalks. I always knew this extra weight would come in handy, some day."

"Sounds impressive, Ma. ("By the way, you were just kidding backstage about sitting on me if I gave you any grief, right?" "OH yeah. I mean....probably...") Hooo-kay. So you weeded, you stomped...anything else?"

"You bet, Dude. I pruned away approximately 300 sucker shoots from the base of a flowering crab tree..."

"Uh...Ma, should you be doing that this close to fall? Pruning off sucker shoots?"

"ARE YOU QUESTIONING SOMEONE WHO IS ALMOST A MASTER GARDENER? HMMMMM? ARE YOU?"

"Well, uh...no, actually."

"All right then. I mean...it's not even my tree, so...I don't see the problem. Now, I think we've covered the major points. I would have to honestly say, though, that I am feeling rather old and sore. I think a five-hour stint was plenty for someone who hasn't be working out, regularly. I'm stiff, my back aches, and I defy anyone to surpass my level of physical lameness!"

"Yes, Ma, I think we can all agree that you have set the bar pretty high when it comes to being out of shape. And it looks like that's all we have time for, folks!

Join us next time when we see if our second contestant can beat Ma's record. Bobo the chimp will be attempting to peal ["peel." Dude meant to say "peel"] 900 bananas in a large vat of peanut butter.

Until then, this is Dude Perfect saying, 'Good night! And Go Veg.' "

*fade to black*
 

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