The Progeny
Fat-line With Jim and Bob
(voices heard backstage)
"....I'm tellin' ya, I shoulda been sent to Rome! If this network weren't so freakin' cheap...."
"10 seconds to air!..."
"Can it, Bob. We're just pawns."
"Pawns have rights, too!"
"Hush! Doesn't the name 'Prince Charles" mean anything, today? Come on, it's almost air time."
*adjusts tie*
"In five, four, three, two,..." *points to anchorman*
"Good evening. We come to you, once again, from the heartland of America, revisiting the site of that epic computer struggle. This time, however, the troubling scenario is of a completely different nature. It seems the matriarch of the family, who goes by the name of 'Ma,' has been attempting to lose a few pounds. Let's check in with our intrepid field reporter, Bob. Bob? What can you tell us?"
"Well, Jim, it's another dicey dilemma out here on the windy prairie. You have all the ingredients of a no-win situation: a woman, a will, and a non-compliant scale. It's crunch time, Jim. From a Fat-line exclusive interview, I can give you this excerpt from 'Ma,' herself": "I've foregone chocolate. I have exercised. I have skipped desserts. I have been hungry every day. I have even choked down cereal with "twigs" in it! What more must I do? Has the whole world gone mad?"
*sound of static*
"And, Jim, it was at that point that she went totally BERSERK and our electronic equipment began flying in all directions. I'm telling you, we were lucky to get out of there with our lives. Apparently, what tipped her over the edge, was getting on the scales this morning and discovering that, overnight, she had gained back almost every ounce lost in the past 2 weeks."
"Wow, Bob. Is she alright?"
"What do mean her, Jim? What about ME?"
"Uh, right, Bob. Are you OK?"
"Well, Jim, I could really...... *sniff*....... use a hug....."
"OK, Bob. Pull yourself together, now, old man. Counselors are on the way. In the meantime, can you give us an idea as to her current emotional state?
"Jim, at this very moment I am hearing what sounds like singing coming from the house......we'll see if we can get up a little closer........*sounds of stealthy footsteps*
"No-bo-dy knows------da trouble--- ah----- seen. No-bo-dy knows......"
"Well, there you have it, Jim. Pretty poignant stuff, if I do say so myself."
"But, Bob, are we talking the heart-rending, sorrowful, in a touching kind of way poignant? Or, are we going more for the overwhelming, excruciating and piercing type of poignant?"
"Both, Jim. It's definitely both..... *sobs*...... How soon can those counselors get here, Bob? Me and the boys.....we're......we're really hurtin,' man.....*copious sniffing*......."
"Steady, Bob. Steady. *turns to audience* And there you have it, folks. That's all for the Fat-line Report. Goodnight."
"That's a wrap! Thank you, everybody. Good show. Hey, who wants to join me for pizza?" Tweet
"....I'm tellin' ya, I shoulda been sent to Rome! If this network weren't so freakin' cheap...."
"10 seconds to air!..."
"Can it, Bob. We're just pawns."
"Pawns have rights, too!"
"Hush! Doesn't the name 'Prince Charles" mean anything, today? Come on, it's almost air time."
*adjusts tie*
"In five, four, three, two,..." *points to anchorman*
"Good evening. We come to you, once again, from the heartland of America, revisiting the site of that epic computer struggle. This time, however, the troubling scenario is of a completely different nature. It seems the matriarch of the family, who goes by the name of 'Ma,' has been attempting to lose a few pounds. Let's check in with our intrepid field reporter, Bob. Bob? What can you tell us?"
"Well, Jim, it's another dicey dilemma out here on the windy prairie. You have all the ingredients of a no-win situation: a woman, a will, and a non-compliant scale. It's crunch time, Jim. From a Fat-line exclusive interview, I can give you this excerpt from 'Ma,' herself": "I've foregone chocolate. I have exercised. I have skipped desserts. I have been hungry every day. I have even choked down cereal with "twigs" in it! What more must I do? Has the whole world gone mad?"
*sound of static*
"And, Jim, it was at that point that she went totally BERSERK and our electronic equipment began flying in all directions. I'm telling you, we were lucky to get out of there with our lives. Apparently, what tipped her over the edge, was getting on the scales this morning and discovering that, overnight, she had gained back almost every ounce lost in the past 2 weeks."
"Wow, Bob. Is she alright?"
"What do mean her, Jim? What about ME?"
"Uh, right, Bob. Are you OK?"
"Well, Jim, I could really...... *sniff*....... use a hug....."
"OK, Bob. Pull yourself together, now, old man. Counselors are on the way. In the meantime, can you give us an idea as to her current emotional state?
"Jim, at this very moment I am hearing what sounds like singing coming from the house......we'll see if we can get up a little closer........*sounds of stealthy footsteps*
"No-bo-dy knows------da trouble--- ah----- seen. No-bo-dy knows......"
"Well, there you have it, Jim. Pretty poignant stuff, if I do say so myself."
"But, Bob, are we talking the heart-rending, sorrowful, in a touching kind of way poignant? Or, are we going more for the overwhelming, excruciating and piercing type of poignant?"
"Both, Jim. It's definitely both..... *sobs*...... How soon can those counselors get here, Bob? Me and the boys.....we're......we're really hurtin,' man.....*copious sniffing*......."
"Steady, Bob. Steady. *turns to audience* And there you have it, folks. That's all for the Fat-line Report. Goodnight."
"That's a wrap! Thank you, everybody. Good show. Hey, who wants to join me for pizza?" Tweet
posted by Ma Hoyt | 5:10 PM
3 Comments:
Hey just read on CNN news an article about Dancing away Obesity. Want to try?
Beckita
*reads*
Interesting. Technically, I'm not obese, so I doubt I would qualify for that particular program.
What I would REALLY like to do, is learn swing dancing. But somehow, I find it hard to imagine Loren going along with that.....
Okay, here's what you need to do. The Baneks, and probably Uncle Mark's family, all know how to do the Virginia Reel. Get them to teach you during the family reunion.
XD
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