The Jim-Bob Report: Dateline Iowa (c/o D.C.)

"Good evening. This is Jim McDonald, coming to you from Washington D.C. Tonight's report will be an analysis of the president's State of the Union Address. The network tried to get Michael Beschloss, but he was still covering the Grammy Nominations, so we have acquired the next best person, my friend and colleague, Bob MacCackle from Des Moines."

"Bob? How was the president's speech received out in the heartland?"

"Well, Jim, there were a lot of folks listening to President Bush last night, due in no small part to the scarcity of televised college wrestling. If they really want to pump his ratings next time, I'd advise them to pick a night other than Fox's American Idol....."

"OK, Bob. That gives us an idea of the number of viewers, but what is your evaluation of how the president came across to the American public.....was he combative? Inclusive? Defensive? What's your best guess, Bob?"

"Politics is a game of subtlety, Jim. And judging by the president's attire, he was reaching out to the Democrats."

"His attire? How so, Bob?"

"You see, Jim, President Bush was wearing a blue tie last evening. This is seen as a clear conciliatory gesture by the administration toward the 'blue states.' He's reachin' out, man....he's reachin' out.....*sniff*.....It' just so beautiful...."

"Steady Bobbo, steady. Now, I might be mistaken, but didn't I see Vice President Cheney and Speaker Hastert both wearing red ties? What is your perspective on that part of the color equation, Bob?"

"Well Jim, we are still running the numbers here, but it is thought that the two red-tie-clad-men directly in back of President Bush were an appeal to the Republican Party's Conservative base. Still, with a blue tie out in front, most historians feel that would take precedence over the two red ties behind. At least that's what the cloakroom attendant I talked to said...."

"And Bob, was it my imagination, or did the vice president have on a different shade of red?"

"I'm glad you mentioned that, Jim. Vice President Cheney was obviously wearing a brighter shade of red and crimson--with vibrant scarlet overtones--which would seem to be a blatant appeal to the younger, wilder side of the party. Speaker Hastert on the other hand, was going for the darker burgundy and claret hues which would indicate a renewed claim to the 'old-men/old money' arm of the party. Either that, or they forgot to call each other ahead of time...."

"That is simply fascinating, Bob. But what can you tell us about the combined houses of Congress? Were there any insights to be gleaned from the apparel of the listening representatives and senators? What about Senator Hillary Clinton, for instance?"

"Jim! You promised you wouldn't bring that up! AAAARRRGGGHHHHHH!......and I was just beginning to get over the nightmares.....*clunk*....."

"Bob? Bob?.....*turns back to audience*.....Ha, ha, that guy is such a kidder....*cough*....Well, that's all we have time for, ladies and gentlemen. Tune in next week, when Bob MacCackle interviews Ma Hoyt concerning the new James Bond movie.... Can they make the picture without a villain and a female lead? Is it not hypocrisy that the newly picked James Bond opposes hand guns in real life? And, what's not to love about Sean Connery's accent?"

"All this and more, on the next edition of the Jim-Bob Report. This is Jim McDonald saying,

Goodnight."

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