The Jim-Bob Report, Dateline: Iowa

"Good evening. I'm Jim McDonald and in just a moment we will bring you our feature story out of Iowa, but first, this breaking news....

....Evangelicals across the nation have signed onto an initiative to combat Global Swarming. There has been talk of the danger of Killer Bees for several decades, with little consensus among the nation's scientists as to just how much of a threat is posed to the nation. But, with the arrival of the Africanized honeybees to Florida, the tide of public opinion has produced a ground swell of fear among America's leading Evangelicals. Reverend Phil Freeh, president of 'The Association for Pastors Looking to Retire in Florida,' had this to say earlier today,"

"The danger to America can no longer be denied. Besides, as our focus groups have pointed out, we have simply got to exhibit more concern for the poor and disenfranchised. I mean, we've had all KINDS of flack for seeming too hard nosed about morality and behavior. And some of us are not even Republicans fer cryin' out loud! This painting us all with the same brush of intolerance has got to stop, and we aim to do it by smashing those awful insects to smithereens....in a humane sorta way, of course."

"Our network tried to procure a statement from the Association's splinter group, 'The North Dakota Option,' but they were unavailable as they were ironing out the final points of their long awaited policy paper, 'Trans Fats: What Would Jesus Do?' "

"And now on to our featured story of the week, where we take you once again to our man in the fields of Iowa, Bob MacCackle. Bob? How are things out Ioway? Still idyllic? Still bucolic?"

"Well, Jim, it's winter after all, so we're still a couple months away from idyllic, and at least three or four months before we're anywhere close to bucolic. But as to the news....it was just a few days ago that this quiet farm country was stunned when an amazing design, seemingly unformed by human hands, appeared in the yard of Ma Hoyt. Local paranormal experts are on the scene and they're already comparing it to the crop circles found in England. They're calling it a 'Turtle Circle,' though, due to its shape and all....oh, and it's color, Jim. It's an amazingly vivid shade of green."

"That's fascinating, Bob. Are there any clues as to what may have produced this...this Turtle Circle?"

"That's a negatory, Jimbo. Great care has been taken to preserve the physical evidence, and calls have been made to high-level authorities."

"High level authorities? Just who are we talking about here, Bob?"

"Well, Jim, I don't like to drop names...but....word on the gravel roads is that no less than MEL GIBSON has been contacted about this phenomenon! *cough* He couldn't make it, though, since he's pretty busy....it's not easy shipping a bowling alley, ya know...."

"I'll take your word for it, Bob. Say....what's that you have in your hand, there....is that....is that a hat? *sounds of metallic rustling* A tin foil hat?!....Bah-ahb?"

"Uhhh....I don't know what your talkin' about, Jim, but this much I DO know...the answer is out there, somewhere....This is Bob MacCackle, from north of Des Moines.....I think...."

"Oh Bob...."

*fade to black*

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