The Jim-Bob Report: Dietline

"Good evening. I'm Jim McDonald, coming to you from Des Moines. While we await the commencement of the Iowa State Fair, we thought it would be nice to bring you another human interest story from Ma Hoyt. Our man in the field, Bob MacCackle has been snooping around the homestead of that crazy family in Butler County. Bob? What's the latest up there?"

"Well, Jim, you won't believe it, but Ma has just started another diet."

"Oh no! Say it isn't 'so,' Bob."

"That's a negatory on the 'not so,' Jim. In fact, she was out shopping today, and came home with some unusual items. Rumor has it there were large amount of fruits and vegetables in those grocery bags. That's FRUITS and Vegetables, Jim, and I'm not lyin.'"

"Well now, that does sound drastic. And so, is this the 'Athens' Diet?' Or perhaps, 'The Laguna Beach Diet?' Do you have a name, for us, Bob?"

"I do indeed, Jim. Ma's new diet is called *sound of shuffling papers* 'The Idiot Proof Diet.' Yes, that's right. THE IDIOT PROOF DIET. You heard it here, Jim."

"Alright, Bob. I'll take your word for it. Now, does this mean one has to be an 'idiot' to start the diet? The diet turns you into an idiot? Or just what, Bob?"

"I have NO idea, Jim, since, I had trouble finding anyone who would admit they had actually been on that diet. On condition of anonymity I did manage to persuade one neighbor to confess to looking at the ad, but that was about it. Everyone seems to be under some sort of 'gag order.' Personally, I think it's all those wretched vegetables..."

"OK, Bob. I won't pursue that line of questioning any further. But, tell me this: does Ma still get to eat dark chocolate?"

"Jim, that is the really, sad part of all this. Picture that smart aleck on the 'Capital One,' commercials. Close your eyes, Jim. I need you to do some heavy-duty visualizing, ol' buddy. *pause* Are you visualizing, Jim?"

"YES, Bob..."

"'Cause, I'm getting these vibes, Jim, that you're not quite with me, on this one..."

"I'm with you, Bob. I'M WITH YOU!"

" Well, hey, Jim, don't get all steamed. So, anyway....uh.....where was I?..."

"The chocolate, Bob, The CHOCOLATE. Does she get to eat chocolate?"

"Nada, Jim. As in NONE. At least for the first 11 days, anyway. After that I think she gets to 'cheat' for 3 days. It's all a little hazy... but, my sources have confirmed that, for today, at least, Ma has had NO chocolate. And, no snacks of ANY kind."

"If that news is accurate, Bob, then we have to wonder at her mental stability, do we not? I mean, how is she coping? Do you hear any screaming or shouting? Do we have a 'psycho' on the loose, Bob?"

"Not at the moment, Jim. As luck would have it, Wal-Mart had some pret-ty hefty clearance sales. 'The Ma' came home with three new CD's, dirt cheap. 'Guitar Classics' was the first to come out of the shrink-wrap, Jim. We're talkin' 'Pachelbel's Canon,' "Ave Maria,' in both 'A' AND 'C Majors,' by the way. And then, there was Ma's personal favorite, 'Recuerdos de la Alhambra.' Very pretty stuff, Jim. Right now, I believe.....*sound of stealthy footsteps*....yes, she's playing 'Benny Goodman.' Oh, BABY! What a beat!...."

"Ok, there, Bobbo. Methinks you are getting a lit-tle too involved in this story.."

"Shhhhh! Not now, Jim, they're playing the best big band song of all time, 'Sing, Sing, Sing...."

"And there you have it, folks. Our reporters will go to any length to get a story. That's all for the 'Diet-line,' this evening. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going out for a deep-dish pizza: extra cheese and pepperoni. For Bob MacCackle, this is Jim McDonald, wishing you, 'good night.'"

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