The Progeny
Ma's Afternoon Getaway
As a homeschooling mother with ten kids under my belt (mind you, not all at once) one looks for those little chances to depart from the everyday routine.
I mean, aside from going completely berserk, joining the Witness Protection Program and becoming a fish net repair-person on North Carolina's Outer Banks.
I had a Shingles follow-up appointment with my podiatrist/mole extractor, which in actuality is a nice PA over in Hampton.
And since I was there, I decided to go for broke and have her check out my foot which had been hurting me since August 6th, when I VERY FOOLISHLY agreed to play in a Family Camp softball game.
I didn't have on the proper shoes, and I came down hard on one heel (I don't remember if this was the time I made that spectacular catch out of Caleb Weikert's pop fly, or whether it was the time I tripped and humiliatingly rolled over in the grass. But I think the important thing to remember is that I did catch a well-hit fly ball, crushing Caleb's hopes and helping my team to gain a victory despite the fact that I am a lame old lady who never should have caught the ball in the first place, but what can I say except, there is a God in heaven and I caught the ball).
The PA thought it was Plantar Fasciitis but ordered an x-ray to rule out a heel spur. Trust me, she knew just where to press on the ol' foot to bring out the pain. All the way up to the toe.
Plantar Fasciitis, by the way, is Latin for You-are-SO-over-the-hill.
But now I have a good excuse for not playing in future softball games.
I asked the nurse if I could also get my flu shot, since I was in the neighborhood. But the real reason I went was to get this ridiculously large, itchy mole off my back.
So after the x-ray and the foot probing, Ma got taken to....get this...THE PROCEDURE ROOM!
Oh yeah, baby! White walls, a table, various instruments in assorted drawers, and most importantly, the cauterizing machine.
After getting situated, Ma got the needle with the numbing juice. This should actually be called the "burning like a hot poker" numbing juice. That was the worst part of the whole deal.
After that it was feeling the pressure of the scalpel and small talk with the PA and nurse. Like,
"You have how many kids ?" and,
"Your husband had a heart transplant ?"
We also talked about our mutual desire to go to Jamaica/anywhere-other-than-our-daily-setting. I think they could tell I was enjoying the whole procedure room scenario. It was right about here the PA made the comment, "You know, it says something about you, that you'd consider getting a mole removed to be a getaway..."
Then it was time to use the cool machine:
Ma: "Hmmm, I smell burning..."
Nurse: "That would be you."
PA: "Don't tell her that!"
Ma: "Oh it's OK. I've seen a lot of stuff..."
(she probably thought I was talking about things related to Loren's heart problems, when in reality I was referring to House, Bones, and CSI:NY)
Time for a bit of sewing...six stitches in all. She had to cut a crescent shape on each side, taking out skin and flesh around and underneath the mole--over an inch in length...then she sewed it shut.
After that I got my flu shot, completing the full spa experience.
Exam, x-ray, procedure, stitches, flu shot...it just doesn't get any better than that.
And to think, in ten days I get to go back and have the sutures removed!
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I mean, aside from going completely berserk, joining the Witness Protection Program and becoming a fish net repair-person on North Carolina's Outer Banks.
I had a Shingles follow-up appointment with my podiatrist/mole extractor, which in actuality is a nice PA over in Hampton.
And since I was there, I decided to go for broke and have her check out my foot which had been hurting me since August 6th, when I VERY FOOLISHLY agreed to play in a Family Camp softball game.
I didn't have on the proper shoes, and I came down hard on one heel (I don't remember if this was the time I made that spectacular catch out of Caleb Weikert's pop fly, or whether it was the time I tripped and humiliatingly rolled over in the grass. But I think the important thing to remember is that I did catch a well-hit fly ball, crushing Caleb's hopes and helping my team to gain a victory despite the fact that I am a lame old lady who never should have caught the ball in the first place, but what can I say except, there is a God in heaven and I caught the ball).
The PA thought it was Plantar Fasciitis but ordered an x-ray to rule out a heel spur. Trust me, she knew just where to press on the ol' foot to bring out the pain. All the way up to the toe.
Plantar Fasciitis, by the way, is Latin for You-are-SO-over-the-hill.
But now I have a good excuse for not playing in future softball games.
I asked the nurse if I could also get my flu shot, since I was in the neighborhood. But the real reason I went was to get this ridiculously large, itchy mole off my back.
So after the x-ray and the foot probing, Ma got taken to....get this...THE PROCEDURE ROOM!
Oh yeah, baby! White walls, a table, various instruments in assorted drawers, and most importantly, the cauterizing machine.
After getting situated, Ma got the needle with the numbing juice. This should actually be called the "burning like a hot poker" numbing juice. That was the worst part of the whole deal.
After that it was feeling the pressure of the scalpel and small talk with the PA and nurse. Like,
"You have how many kids ?" and,
"Your husband had a heart transplant ?"
We also talked about our mutual desire to go to Jamaica/anywhere-other-than-our-daily-setting. I think they could tell I was enjoying the whole procedure room scenario. It was right about here the PA made the comment, "You know, it says something about you, that you'd consider getting a mole removed to be a getaway..."
Then it was time to use the cool machine:
Ma: "Hmmm, I smell burning..."
Nurse: "That would be you."
PA: "Don't tell her that!"
Ma: "Oh it's OK. I've seen a lot of stuff..."
(she probably thought I was talking about things related to Loren's heart problems, when in reality I was referring to House, Bones, and CSI:NY)
Time for a bit of sewing...six stitches in all. She had to cut a crescent shape on each side, taking out skin and flesh around and underneath the mole--over an inch in length...then she sewed it shut.
After that I got my flu shot, completing the full spa experience.
Exam, x-ray, procedure, stitches, flu shot...it just doesn't get any better than that.
And to think, in ten days I get to go back and have the sutures removed!
Tweet
posted by Ma Hoyt | 1:30 AM
5 Comments:
Oh, wow.
Okay, wait, I didn't mean to comment just yet!
Next time you go into town to get the stitches out, go get yourself a Starbucks coffee or something and just for half an hour go sit in a park and read a book. Or something. Just do something that isn't exactly efficient or practical. You'll love it. :-)
btw, I love your sense of humour!
I will take your suggestion under advisement, Franci :-)
Though considering the smallness of the town, it might involve getting a Diet Coke and heading for the grain elevator to watch the farmers bring in their crops.
So what's the solution to the plantar fasciitis? I think my mom's got it.
Icing it, taking anti-inflammatory meds (which I don't really want to do on a regular basis), and some stretching exercises.
There are also these heel cups that one can buy and place in the shoes to cushion the heels (and always wear a good shoe---yeah, right).
Other than that, I think it just takes time. Perhaps a lot of time.
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