Come tomorrow.....

.....these puppies is goin' down.

I was alerted to this potential threat by daughter Kendra. They are located on the outside of a computer room window, which, while preferable to being located on the in-side of a computer room window, are not, in the overall scheme of things, part of my preferred geoterritoial short-range living plan. In other words, they are too stinkin' close to the door.

Just today I casually laid my hand on the porch railing, smack on top of one. He/she chose to fly off. This time. Tomorrow or the next day, I may not be so lucky.

And that's why, those guys are gonna be toast! Cream of Wheat. Paper Wasp Pabulum.

*quick exhalations*

"OH yeah. You guys be soooooo bad! But you're gonna be history, see?"

(I'm trying to pump myself up, psychologically)

"You can wave your little wings all you want, see? 'Cause you is goin' down, baby! Ma is takin' you OUT! And we ain't talkin' date, baby. No suh!"

*stalks off to pump iron*

Tweet

One Normal, One Not.

After a mere 9 hours, we have returned from Iowa City, a little wiser on two of the children

Having an ECG and Echo, Kendra appears normal, with a slight mitral valve prolapse. She will not have to go back for a check for two more years. I would hasten to add that she was not tested for mental stability....

Carolyn is a little different. As I had suspected, she shows signs of "Derek Syndrome." (yes, I made that up) Like her older brother, she does not have a normal ECG, but a Junctional Rhythm. Carolyn and Derek will have to go back for checks-ups every 8-10 months. She too, has a slight mitral valve prolapse. This is a rather common condition, with one in ten exhibiting it in the population at large. In our family, it is five of six, so far. Six of seven if you count Loren's old heart. (the family that regurgitates together, stays together) Still, the mitral valve prolapse is supposed to be unrelated to the myopathy that seems to run in Loren's side of the family.

The comforting thing is: this type of familial cardiomyopathy seems to manifest itself most notably in the late 30's to mid-40's. Regular testing should show any developmental changes to the heart that warrant concern.

Right now, everyone's heart looks good, structurally. We just have to keep tabs on people.
_______________________

Now, if you REALLY want something to "strike fear into your heart," check out the bold and brassy post of my pastor's 3rd oldest daughter. She told me I was actually apologizing for spilling someone's water. One can only imagine how I look when I am mad.....

I think some people like to live dangerously.

One day, Liz, when you least expect it......

Tweet

And so....

...we feel compelled to announce,

the scale report: down 5.5 pounds, that makes a net loss over these two cycles of 13.5 pounds! Yay for me!

the cheat report: I didn't sneak chocolate, once. However, over the course of the last 11 days, I had to test pasta two different times to see if it was done, and I had to test Trevor's Cocoa Wheats to see if it was too hot. Also, during that horrible day of only 3 meals, two of which had to be mixed vegetables (blah!) I put a little bit of low-carb dressing on the first plate, and a little bit of Arby's honey mustard sauce on the second. Those extra 40 calories made them only slighty more palatable.

the mental acuity report: just the usual moments of standing in front of the kitchen cabinets, wondering what I was looking for.
_________________

Big doin's today: Loren and I are taking Kendra and Carolyn down for a heart screening with his electrophysiologist in Iowa City. He said he would check out all the children in their mid-teen years. I was able to add 10-year-old Carolyn to this appointment after she exhibited a couple episodes of heart racing, once up to 210. So, we shall see.....

Jason, 17, bravely volunteered to watch the rest of the troops while we are gone. What am I saying? He had no choice! I believe he plans to make extensive use of that age-old child control technique: Lotsa videos. In other words, sedation.

Update, later....time permitting.

Tweet

Tuesday, TUESDAY, TUESDAY!

Yes, the long awaited moment is very nearly at hand. I speak, of course, of the end of the diet, the end of denial, THE RETURN TO CHOCOLATE!

The last several days have been somewhat difficult. But when the going gets tough, Ma goes to her closet. And tries on clothes. I found lotsa stuff that fit! *is happy* There was that one dress that still presented problems, but hey, that was four kids ago. I mean, you don't REALLY expect me to still fit into something worn when I'd merely had six, do you? Anyway, I was bolstered by my finds. Although, both of my favorite Capri pants are now too big.....guess that calls for another visit to GOODWILL :-)

So, what is the first thing I am going to do when unshackled from the chains of dietdom tomorrow? Well, rest assured that I am not going to start popping chocolate upon arising at 7:00. I'm going to set my alarm for 12:01 and quietly slip downstairs and eat a whole BAG.....I'm kidding. (for the most part)

Tomorrow will be the grand weigh-in which will hopefully bring proof of significant loss in the past two weeks. Despite cynical comments from certain persons who shall remain unnamed, I think there will be good news to report. This I DO know, I now weigh less than Loren. And, that is as it should be :-)
____________________

Alternate form of tooth-extraction: Have one person (Carolyn) be flossing her teeth, and have another person (Nolan) be horsing around and jerk her arm ("It was an accident!") and voilà! Hopefully, the tooth in question was a baby tooth. A loose baby tooth.
___________________

Trevor, the wunderkind, strikes again: So, the kid notices that I have his "Cool Hand Trevor" pic as my new screen background. He decides he wants it for HIS background. Now, bear in mind, that he has been flipping about with his background for weeks, picking and choosing from the 25 available with the utter abandon and facility of someone who knows WAY more than I did at three. Still, I had to pull up the file of pictures and select and all that, hoping all the while that my technological prowess would seem OH SO IMPRESSIVE to the child. I had barely walked out of the room, when I was informed, "Mommy, he's going through all your pictures and changing his background, over and over!" muttering all the while, "How 'bout dis one? Or dis one? Ohhhh, heewuh's a nice one..."

*sigh*

I need some chocolate.....

"Tomor-row, tomor-row, I luv ya, tomor-row, you're only a day a-way. Tomor-row, tomor-row, I luv ya, tomor-row......."

Tweet

Fire from Heaven?

.....or a heavenly sunset....?

Tweet

I am Trevor. I am three.

I am cool.

Peculiar pronouncements...."I want to watch Godziwah!"

..........................."Horses don't dwive cars."

Peculiar word choices......"Mommy, where us going?"

..........................."Where? I can't see it...I can't see....Oh. Dere is it..."

Peculiar response upon being called inside....."But Mommy, I want to dance in the rain..."

Trevor: peculiar, precious

and cool.

Tweet

Grandpa's Perspective

As most of you know, when I had to be Loren's caregiver up in Rochester MN for three months, there was a period of about one month between the time I left Iowa and the time Sharon returned from her third semester at Grace College. I was filled with much angst during the week that involved Loren's transplant, and the initial recovery in the hospital. Part of my heart's turmoil was trying to find someone to supervise the children in that one month period of time.

My father and mother, Robert J. and Anna Mae Baker drove out from Indiana to fill the need. They were in their eighties, Mom has diabetes, and they thought they were coming for just two weeks. They ended up staying for four. That was a great comfort to me, but probably taxing to them.

It all worked out, though, and my dad lived to write about their experiences in his monthly church paper, "Intersect," put out by the Belmont Mennonite Church, in Elkhart, Indiana.

Recently, I received copies of his five-part contribution. One segment, especially made me laugh aloud, and I thought others might enjoy it as well:

THE IOWA SAGA chapter 4
by Bob Baker

Eight for flu shots

Actually, it turned out to be "nine for flu shots." Let me explain

When in Iowa babysitting (I use "babysitting" rather loosely, since the oldest "baby" was sixteen), I got a call from the Gift of Life Transplant House in Rochester, Minnesota, where our daughter is serving as caregiver for her husband, Loren, who is the recent recipient of a heart transplant. They expected to come home in about six weeks. Heart transplant people worry about several things, the top two being rejection and infection.

Rebecca is looking ahead. She wants no flu in the house when Loren and she return. So she has ding-donged the large medical clinic in Hampton, Iowa, forty minutes from their home and where the family goes for medical service, to give flu shots to the eight children under our charge. She has even begged them for flu shots for the two older children when they come home for Christmas. My task? See that the eight now at home, ages two to 16, get to Hampton where the clinic is located. The 16-year-old will drive the "bus," but I must be in charge. Another cross to bear during our Iowa Saga.

So, she informs me, "Get them up there!" She gives me the day and hour of the appointment.

The day before the appointment, a call comes from the clinic, asking to speak to an adult. That must be either Anna Mae or myself. I take the call. It's a nurse from the clinic. She wants to know the name and age of each child coming. They want to be set up for the invasion; the dosage volume is according to ages. With some help I supply the information.

The next day, nine of us pile into the 15-passenger van (I trust the seating capacity is not a harbinger of things to come) and head for Hampton. Fortunate Anna Mae will remain in luxurious isolation in the old farm house. I sigh as I think of it.

We arrive at our destination. The clinic is a large one, attached to a hospital and serves the surrounding area with great efficiency. They better be efficient to serve my tribe.

The waiting room is well populated. Heads are raised from behind newspapers and magazines, and drowsy ones sit up as we file in. We obviously attract attention. I am tempted to say to the wide eyed ones, "We are Catholic," then cross myself. Rebecca, when she takes her brood to the library, often wears a sweatshirt that carries the message, "Yes, They Are All Mines." I have no such testimony, so I just let these curious Iowans gawk.

The children find seats close to the television which is carrying a children's program. I march to the receptionist and say simply, "The Hoyt family, I am the grandfather," find myself a vacant chair, pick up a Smithsonian magazine, and give a cool look around th waiting room. Those still gazing, retire quickly behind their reading material. I am tempted to say, "the two oldest are away at college, so we are running just a bit short today: Sorry."

I hope my Smithsonian magazine impresses the Iowa corn growers.

Time passes, people are called, but not the Hoyt group. A sign on the wall says, "If you are not called within fifteen minutes, please check at the desk." One of the grandchildren point it out to me, but I gently remind them that we are not few in number and they are doing us a favor.

Occasionally I get an idea. I get one in the clinic waiting room. I mosey up to the desk, not to complain about waiting too long for service but to ask, "Would I be able to get a flu shot today?"

Immediately she replied, "I don't see why not. Do you have your Medicare card with you?"

Two different feelings hit me simultaneously. Great! But she did not say, "Are you on Medicare?" My looks betrayed me: I looked ancient. But I gave her no smart talk. I recall how Byron King, Verle and Bev Hoffman waited hours at Osco's (a drug store) in Elkhart (IN) for their flu shots. I will rejoice at getting the needed vaccine; I will whimper silently at being classified obviously as being "old."

Finally the business-like lady who calls the sick and lame forward, steps out, announces to all gathered, "The Hoyt family." We rise en masse, the "old man" and his "family." Papers and magazines shift. This is no small migration as wondering eyes follow as we parade out. I bite my tongue.

But I will untie that tongue in a few minutes. As we are led down the corridors to the particular room reserved for us, two lady patients returning to the receptionist desk, step aside to allow us to pass. The children are preceding me, led by the one who called us, I bringing up the rear. I look at the two ladies standing, waiting for the Hoyt herd to stamped past. Actually we move quietly, sedately. But we are numerous.

As we pass the two ladies, I say, and I know I should have simply ignored their awed faces, "They are not mine, I am just the grandfather."

Sometimes I think I should see a psychiatrist.

In the assigned room, all is organized, the children's medical charts are in order on the counter, syringes beside them, varying amounts of vaccine in each. Everyone gets "shot," only the two youngest offer resistance.

Finally Grandpa is punctured. I do not flinch, the children applaud, the old geezer is pretty tough.

The nurse says, "I have never given this many shots to a single family."

For the last time we parade through the waiting room. Newspapers and magazines are lowered in silent tribute, but there is no standing ovation for me. I am a bit disappointed.

We load the 15-passenger, count noses, journey back to Anna Mae.

Our Iowa Saga continues, each day brings the expected and the unexpected. We are fortunate to have Belmont prayers cover us from front to back, from side to side.

I do feel a bit smug. Verle and Bev Hoffman, Byron King, wait at Osco's for hours to get their flu shots. There were only eight ahead of me. When my friends read this they will be green with envy.

Tweet

Life's Little Treats and Surprises

An amazing coincidence occured yesterday. After commenting to Thainamu about my seeming banishment to jury duty wilderness, what should appear in the mail yesterday, but a summons to jury duty! The Ma has been "randomly selected" to appear for petit jury service in my county. I think they were looking for non-organized, short people. That would be my guess. And who knows? Maybe they heard I had just lost a little weight? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that entered into the scheme of things.

Well, you know what THIS means: I will have to brush up on my knowledge of "ipsos" and "factos" and other forms of "redactos." (I don't think that last one is an actual word, but it sure sounds like it....)

So, now I have to....*looks at paperwork*.....fill out a questionnaire, send it back, and then call a number every Monday, for THREE months, to see if there is a trial "a happenin'." If I go in, I get paid $10.00 per day, and mileage. I consider that a real step up in salary.
______________________

Also yesterday, after typing my fingers down to nubbins, I completed all the homeschooling paperwork and zipped it in to the school. Legal, for one more year! Another amazing coincidence, the printer stopped receiving messages from my computer right after I had finished the last kid. I had one more little thing to do, but ended up writing it out with (brace yourselves) a pen and a sheet of paper! Yes, there are still uses for these archaic types of communication. I am pretty sure it will be valid, albeit slightly less professional looking. All this, and picking up a car part for Loren and mailing a vital bill helped to round out the trip. Since no one else truly knows what I went through to accomplish all of this yesterday, I will simply say, "You did good, Ma." ("Thanks.") (You're welcome.")
_______________________

Say, how many of you have heard the wonderful news about chocolate? Yes, now you don't have to just listen to daughter Sharon and I, you can take CNN's word for it. And, if you read the article, you will notice that Dove's Dark Chocolate, also contain these heart-healthy flavanols.

Which reminds me....only five more days until I can eat chocolate, again.

*drools, slightly*

But, if chocolate isn't your "thing," maybe you should try the McDonald's Diet.......though, I think it a tad expensive.....

Tweet

Lost in Paperworkland

While endeavoring to crank out the paperwork for seven homeschooled students, one must not neglect the lighter side of life....

I never benefited from this technologically improved diaper. Maybe that's good.
___________________

And here's a fellow who has obviously never burned a trash pile that has been enhanced with gasoline. I'll never qualify for his record....
___________________

If I thought I was bad as an athlete....at least I was there...(well, except for that one play in the powderpuff football game)....Somebody didn't have their priorities straight.
___________________

Enjoy...

*resumes turning grindstone*

Tweet

Seven People to the Eye Doctor.......

.....check.

Hey, it beats going to the dentist. And, NO PAIN!

Out of seven people, only two need a change. Kendra and I. Her dismay at her right eye worsening is tempered by the thrill of receiving new frames. And my glasses, after five years or so, are just holding together with a wing and a prayer. I don't have to get bifocals yet, so I won't. I'll just continue to take off my glasses when I need to read fine print, take out slivers, and thread needles. (the latter, of which I hardly ever do anymore...)

As the next-to-last-bash-of-summer, we proceeded to a nearby park, where Jason played "Monster," basically terrorizing and chasing all the others over the wooden castle-like structure.

The final culmination of the evening was visiting McDonald's, where everyone was allowed to choose what they wanted, except for the fact that I messed up Jason's order. *glances at oldest son* He appears to be alive and well, finding solace in a bowl of ice cream.

Ok, the REALLY final culmination of the evening was when the kids talked me into watching, "101 Dalmatians," after arriving home. I'm just a sucker for kids and small cartoonish animals that talk.

_________________

Diet-line, Day 5 (of the second cycle)

the scale report: haven't weighed myself, but belts have been notched to my advantage, and I can fit back into pants I wore up in Rochester.

the cheat report: while the kids were eating deliciously fattening McDonald's food, I was sipping a diet Coke. *sigh* Do you know how hard it is not to absentmindedly stick a fry in your mouth?

the mental acuity report: Well, just today I....messed up an order for food, messed up the REORDER, was witnessed to have said, "I left my purse in the cell phone," and ordered the wrong number of "girl" happy meals. This latter faux-pas insured that poor little Trevor was stuck with a pastel, girly-plastic (useless) thing that has something to do with Barbie and horses. The Happy Meal bag entreats him to, "Help Barbie and Brietta get to the Cloud Kingdom." Rather a lot of pressure for a little tyke, if you ask me.

And now....*sigh*....I must worry about my littlest boy being emotionally scarred from receiving the wrong gender Happy Meal toy.

Nobody told me parenting would be this hard.

Tweet

The New Fall Line-up....

.....the stuff of nightmares

For homeschoolers, anyway.

[6:05 p.m.] So, with the very last book arriving in the mail today, it was time to clean up the Rec Room/My Personal Retreat/School Book Room and let the kids catch a glimpse of their coming fate. ("Wah, hah hah, hah hah!") They start from the back, right and curve around to display 12th grade, 11th grade, 9th grade, 7th grade, 5th grade, 3rd grade, and 1st grade. Trevor won't start kindergarten for a year or two so that will give me a little break.

Now I realize that I forgot to slip an English book in Carolyn's stack....but I think you get the picture. Courses not shown are spelling and Junior/Senior Literature. Kendra and Jason have to read from a list of the "classics:" 25 for Jason, and 20 for Kendra. I told Jason that if he reads "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire," I'd count it as 5 books. We'll see if he takes the challenge....(hee, hee)

A few of the courses have some collateral reading, but most of their next school year sits right there on the table. *satisfied smile*

The file boxes denote yet another year for.....Latin and Greek Roots! How we LOVE Latin and Greek Roots, oh yes! It is one of the few courses I actually "teach." I get to drag out the white board and dry erase markers and everything! (it is SO very cool) By the end of the school year, those file boxes will be filled with 100 cards, a root on the fronts, and 4-6 derivatives on the backs. I do this every 2-3 years, making each child take it twice. Except Ardith. Being the oldest, she was short-changed for the second go-around. But, she seems to have turned out despite my neglect:-)

Now, all I have to do, is fill out the registration forms for seven children, including course names, texts, publishers, and time spent on each subject.

*sigh*

With all this cleaning and organizing, I have delegated supper to the kids. They are happily putting together pizzas with the help of Chef Boyardee and his magic boxes with, "the New Great Tasting Sauce Kids LOVE!"

I wonder if I can count this towards Home Ec....?

Tweet

Another bucolic scene....

....from the heartland

3:30p.m. (Huh. I thought this was in better focus, but, no matter)

Notice the quiet barn, the quiet fields, the quiet round hay bales. Or are they alfalfa? Well, whichever, they are certainly quiet.

Was it not clever to catch a pick-up truck leaving that beauteous dust trail? Do you know how many TIMES I had to ask that guy to race down the gravel road before I got it right?

None, actually. 'Twas an accident. Another bit of pictorial dumb-luck for Ma.

Fields are a common sight, in Iowa, but I'm attracted to their square-cut, patchwork quilt appearance. And in my opinion, just before sunset is the best time to view them.

(and that's all, from the mellow side of Ma)

Tweet

Freezing Pantyhose: the Controversy Continues

You know, "people" have been saying for YEARS that freezing pantyhose before wearing will make them last longer. So, I've been dutifully transferring them right from the Wal-Mart bag, directly into the freezer. When I remember, that is. In fact, I'll just bet that if I actually cleaned out that compartment over the fridge, I might happen upon a whole herd of them, huddled in the back, warming their toes over freezer-burned bags of bulk pepperoni.

THEN, more recently, I was told this hose-in-the-freezer-business was just an urban legend. You know what that means......Ma has to investigate.

So, I've been researching on the Internet for....oh....*glances at watch*...at least ten minutes, and I've come up with some startling information.

Left over cola drinks poured into your toilet adds cleaning power to your cleaner as well as giving it a brilliant shine.

Oh wait....that was the wrong one...consider that a freebie. Here we go....

Pantyhose will last longer if you freeze them before wearing. This strengthens the fibers.

Another website offered this advice:

Your pantyhose will last longer if you freeze them first before you wear them. Wet, wring dry, and place in a plastic bag before putting it in the freezer. Once frozen, thaw, and hang to dry.

Personally, I think that is WAY too much trouble. That's more time than I spend with my hamburger. I think it would just be easier to buy some tan spray paint.

I must admit, though, I did not find ANY websites that claimed freezing didn't work. And that is why, this very minute, there are meatless L'eggs in my freezer.

Tweet

Red sky at night.....

.....just another Iowa sunset


Every once in a while, my lack of technological skill comes in handy.

For example: last week, having entirely filled the little camera card-thingy that holds the pictures, I downloaded the unsaved ones onto our network, and then proceeded to delete the card. Or so I thought.

Apparently, there are still pictures on the card. But that is good, since we cannot access the network, for some reason. SO, I could still post a beautiful sunset picture from a couple of weeks ago.

I ran across something quite interesting. A number of pictures that I had not taken. Hmmmm, this must be from the time I caught two little boys messing with my camera. I had already wrung a confession out of the guilty party, but it was most amusing to see that he had taken various pictures of himself, making implication QUITE beyond a shadow of a doubt. It took a while to delete those one by one, and the pics taken in movie mode-which, I do not even know how to DO-took even longer.

*sigh*
________________

Today, after three days break from the diet-mode, I am starting up another 11 day cycle. The results from the first one were thus:

scale report: (on the twelfth day) down 4 pounds :-) This made a net loss of 8 pounds. There was quite a bit of jumping around, and I discovered later, that one is not supposed to check weight every day. After three straight days of being stuck "up" two pounds, I'd agree. Now I'm not going to weigh in until the end of this 11 days. Besides, Loren took the scales with him :-)

cheat report: I didn't. Not even one chocolate. I knew that if I did, I might not stop. And, I didn't wish to go down in flames in front of everyone.

mental acuity report: A few dumb things here and there, but overall, no worse than usual. (though, you might have to check with the family, to be sure)

This I am certain of: that chocolate sure tasted swell after going without for 11 days.

Tweet

Big, big day up at the lodge....

Oh wait....wrong show.

But it was a big day here in the ol' country farmhouse.

FIRST of all, I had to get up at 6:00, as Loren planned to hit the road with Sharon around 8:00. They left at 9:30, driving off into the sunrise and her junior year at Grace College.

The older boys had been carefully couching their growing excitement at the prospect of finally having their own room. "Five more days....four more days....(not that we want to see you go, Sharon)....three more days...."

And so, after years of being cooped up, five boys in a room, 17-year-old Jason and 14-year-old Derek have a glorious room to themselves! No more little kids messing in their junk...uh...I mean valuable possessions. Now, I really need to get those flowered curtains off the walls....

Naturally, between moving beds, people, clothes and dressers, a lot of dust bunnies got stirred up. So, instead of blissfully minding my own business while the big kids did all the work, I kept the sweeper close at hand, zipping in and out with strategic vim and verve.

The end results are cleaner bedrooms, for the kids, anyway. Uncluttering their closet, brought about the unfortunate circumstance of dumping things in our room. If we switch rooms every month or so, I could really whip this house into shape.

So, everyone is sleeping in a new bed. Except the three little boys, that is. To compensate for their lack of new horizons, I told them we will move their triple bunks to the other side of the room. Another good opportunity to clean. I imagine we'll find several hundred Lego pieces. Perhaps enough to make them some new furniture.

Or, we could try this technique....

Tweet

Shearing of.....

....lawns and lambs


Ethan wanted a flat-top in the worst way. And so I obliged. I made an attempt, anyway. It isn't perfect, and we have to train his hair to stay up straight. A few pounds of mousse oughtta do it. I should have it down pat by the time he is old enough to join the Marines.

Ethan is sitting by his favorite tree, "Corner Tree." It sits, of all places, in the corner of the yard. Personally, I think the tree could use a little more imagination. Maybe I just need to hug it more often, I don't know.

Between getting part of the lawn mowed, (that is Jason in the background. Isn't he a fine son? That's what he keeps telling me, anyway) and cutting or trimming five boys' hair, I guess we got something accomplished, today. Now, that curious little short patch is not so noticeable in Trevor's hair. Interrogation as to how the small spot that ever so coincidentally corresponds to the size a small scissors would make, brought no satisfaction. To ME, anyway.

Off to the showers, as supper is in the oven, and I just have time to hose off dirt, grass and hair clippings, before getting ready for prayer meeting.

Let me know if anyone out there needs a hair cut.

And, be sure and specify whether you want me to use the clippers, or the mower.

Tweet

It's a Zero!

Great news today from the Mayo labs. My last biopsy, taken Monday the 15th, showed zero rejection! This allows the Drs. to move me to a less toxic regimen of drugs. This will primarily save my kidneys and cut back on the potential for plaque buildup in my arteries. Also it implies that they will not have to be so biased towards anti rejection and can concentrate a little more on infection control. Thanks so much for your prayers.

I have also been notified that I am stong enough to get back to some kind of work, so now the search begins to find a position that I can do at FedEx that will not be too hard on me or the family. I continue you to covet your prayers in this regard. I have a couple of months to get this accomplished before I must make a final decision. In the mean time I will be working much harder to get my body back into the physical shape I need to keep up with a daily active job.

Although there are still a number of potential problems ahead, I feel that a great load has been lifted off my shoulders, and that the hope of a more normal life ahead is more sure than ever.

Thanks be to God for His gracious and merciful Kindness!
Loren

Tweet

We haven't heard yet about Loren's biopsy report, but I would ask that you pray for Ardith. She is arriving at the airport late in the evening and then has to drive a couple of hours to her place.

Stay awake, Ardith! Drink the Dew!

Tweet

Bored....

...so I figured, why should I be the only one?

I called home a little while ago and discovered the kids were eating breakfast. I forgot it was still morning, since I've been up since 5:25 and it feels like noon to me. The good news is, they are all fine. Nolan was a well-behaved little guy at the church dinner and communion last night. There was some mention of Trevor and toothpicks, but, I'm not sure what that was all about. I'm not even sure it involved toothpicks. As long as no one had to go to the hospital, I don't care.

While passing the time during Loren's heart biopsy, I was sitting in a comfy chair by the windows of Gonda 2nd floor, reading and minding my own boring business, when an older gentleman walked up and asked if he could sit down. I've never really tried to tell someone, "No, you may not!" so I said, "Certainly."

He did not let the fact that I was immersed in reading, "The Radicalism of the American Revolution," inhibit him from making conversation. I learned several new bits of information: 1) he lives in paradise, a town in Iowa named Clarion, where a glacier apparently deposited more black topsoil than anywhere else, and 2) IOWA really stands for, "I'm on my way to Arizona."

I tried to converse a little, but his speech was hard to understand, and his answers seemed stock in nature. He soon moved on to new fields of potential listeners and I heard him repeating the exact same things he had told me.

Loren is carrying his laptop around in his old briefcase from his college days. You know, back when they were hard shells of protection that weighed 15 pounds, empty. Well, with the laptop and assorted accessories in there, it is QUITE heavy, so I made him take it back to the lab, where he can store it in a locker, close to where the "let-me-thread-this-device-down-a-vein-in-your-neck-and-take a-few-chunks-out-of-your-heart" doctor does his magic.

And now, for animal lovers all over the world, there is this contest....

That's it, for now. More breaking news as the situation warrants.

p.s. One more thing....if you are carrying a tote bag with 4 or 5 water bottles in it, always carry it with arm extended by your side and not slung over the shoulder. You avoid an embarassing sloshing sound and some odd looks, that way.

Tweet

Laptop Posty From Rochester

What a coincidence. Loren brought along his laptop, and "El Cheapo Motel" just got DSL wireless connection. He was grinning and muttering something about "four times faster."
I guess that makes up for the missing TV remote.

Wake-up call is 5:25. What a shame we won't be able to watch too much of the "Night Court" marathon. *bleah* (Why couldn't it have been something good, like "Andy Griffith," or "Leave it to Beaver?")

Hint for the day: Don't cook Healthy Choice Chicken Parmagiana for the full amount of time. The broccoli shrinks....

The goood news? Tuesday I can have chocolate...if I live that long....

Tweet

Just a note...

....to say that Loren and I are going up to Rochester this afternoon. Tomorrow is another of Loren's check-up days, and they want blood work at 6:30 a.m. This is part of the process to break your spirit and make you more pliable in the hands of the medical folks who hold your destiny in their hands, not to mention much of your insurance company's money.

Please pray that Loren's biopsy will show ZERO rejection. The sooner it does, the sooner he can get off or taper some of the strongest and more dangerous drugs. I will probably get in a post during the three hours it takes for the heart biopsy....

Tweet

Loren turns the big 54

....with green tomato pies to celebrate :-)


Seems we always have to have this dessert for Loren's birthday. But, I guess when a guy almost dies a coupla times, it doesn't hurt to indulge him a little.

Now, the REAL question is: just what is the age of this man? Do we count from birth? (54) Do we count from the initial cardiac arrest back in 95, when he was brought to the hospital, as the doctors so delicately put it, "basically, a dead man?" (10 years, 5 months, and 167 days)

OR,

Do we start from the heart transplant, which would make him.....*concentrates*....uh....278 days old?

Well, I'll leave that for wiser heads to decide.

By the way, Sharon made the pies. Aren't they pretty?

(they don't look quite so artistic any more....)

Tweet

When the going gets tough.....

.....Ma cleans.

To start off this morning, I stepped on the scale and discovered I had gained back two pounds. Now, won't that just put a crimp in your gizzard. Especially when you haven't even done anything WRONG!

Naturally, I sulked around and felt sorry for myself, and, just as naturally, it did nothing to improve my mood. Finally, I ventured into the closet again, ostensibly to hang up Loren's new clothes, except, there just wasn't any room. Time to complete the job started many months ago. (I tried to find the original post, but can't) Time to throw out more of Loren's clothes! And mine. I actually threw out more of mine. Loren has gained weight, since the transplant. (finally, some justice) So, we BOTH have to give up the skinny clothes. Time to get rid of dated stuff that hasn't been worn anyway. Our loss is Goodwill's gain.

And now, having realized that I am an hour late with my 3rd meal, I am snarfing down a quick bite and chilling with The Three Tenors. I'll still have to eat another meal around 9:00, but that's ok. All they're letting me have are grapes. *sigh*

I hope tomorrow goes better. The kids aren't used to all this cleaning, and I wouldn't want to damage their psyches.

Tweet

Corn-set

If you look closely, you might see Ardith out in Califonia

Tweet

The Diet-line, Day 7

the scale report: down another 1.5 pounds. That makes.....*drum roll* a net loss of 6.5 pounds! *sounds of cheering and whistling* Probably tomorrow will show no change, but I am encouraged. It pretty much makes up for the hunger and denial of chocolate.

the cheat report: I have been extraordinarily good, if I do say so myself. Kendra made chocolate chip cookies, which means, not only no cookies, but no cookie dough. *sigh* Also, while straightening the hymnals at the church, I came across a forlorn cracker that had chocolate in it. I know this because I sniffed it before throwing it in the trash. *more sighs*

the mental acuity report: I'm pretty sure I did some odd things today, I just can't seem to remember....Also, I think the older kids are starting to mess with my mind, just to test me.....I just can't prove it, yet.
_________________________

I may have to do something I've never done before: give a negative feedback to a half.com member who claims to have shipped a book on July 17th. It is not here. It is the last book I need for school this year and I WANT THAT BOOK! A little advice that most of you probably already know: ALWAYS check the feedback of a seller before you buy. I did check once the book was late and discovered numerous disatisfied customers. Well, like I always say, "You're never too old to do something dumb...."

*checks watch*

Only two more hours till I can eat again.

Tweet

Thoughts on Shopping

Seeing as the hubby and I were in the big city yesterday, we stopped at "Everyman's store," for the purpose of buying him real clothes. (as opposed to the lame, male hand-me-downs at Goodwill) I think it's been more than ten years since he's gotten anything more exciting than socks and underwear. He doesn't just rush into things. Loren is not your impetuous buyer. Well, of clothes, anyway.

So, when I heard he actually wanted to LOOK at apparel, I picked myself up off the floor and said, "Am I in heaven......?"

The end result: we came away with a pair of jeans, three dress shirts, and get this...three pair of colored dress khakis! That should hold him for another ten years.

And then, I discovered a curiosity in the hosiery section. While searching high and low for the "reinforced toe" variety, I ran across another option. Not only do they have "sheer toe," (for bright young things with trendy sandals) and "reinforced toe," (for old people like me who have things to hide and actually want their hosiery to last more than one week) but now, there is a new type: "Enhanced toe."

I'm not sure, but I THINK this is for women with abnormally small toes-a trait I have not had the fortune to experience. Most probably there are small particles of topical steroid cream woven right into the stocking. I imagine, if one wore these long enough, they could eventually curl 10-20 pounds with their podiatal digits. I'm no marketer, but it just seems a tad nichey, to me.
________________

the scale report: (day six) down 1.5 pounds. This makes a net loss of 5 pounds :-) :-)

the cheat report: I must admit, I snapped off another asparagus tip while mowing this morning. I think it will be alright, since today I just get 3 meals, 2 of mixed vegetables, and one of mixed fruits.

the mental acuity report: nearly poured juice in someone's cereal bowl, and visa versa. Unfortunately, this is not too unusual, so I think I am still reasonably lucid.

Tweet

For Ardith

She'll understand

Tweet

Sorry.....

....but I couldn't resist a second post, today.

Did you know, that if you are mowing around a metal swing set, and you are pushing those annoying glider contraptions up with one hand, while attempting to mow with the other, that you can get a shock?

Actually, this is not the first time it has happened to me. *sigh* I think it has something to do with spark plug/glider convergence, but hey, I'm no rocket scientist. *resolves to take more care in future*
_______________________

Ran across more great passages in "Winston and Franklin," today.(page 40)

On Friday, September 1, Hitler invaded Poland. Democracy itself was in danger around the world: economies were in collapse: communism and totalitarianism seemed to have much to recommend them. There was even talk of revolution in America. John Maynard Keynes was asked if there had ever been anything like the Great Depression before. "Yes," he said, "it was called the Dark Ages, and it lasted four hundred years."

and this,

Churchill liked to send his new books to friends and to those he hoped would be interested in his work. Many appreciated his thoughtfulness: a few evidently did not. After receiving the last of Churchill's Marlborough volumes, the duke of Windsor wrote him: "Thank you so much for sending me a copy of your latest book. I have put it on the shelf with all the others."

And, the really sad thing is, probably none of these guys ever got to mow the lawn.

*slurps Diet Cherry Coke*

Tweet

The Diet-line, Day 4

People like this, make me look good. Although, I really don't understand how someone can win all those contests and weigh 99 pounds.

The fact that there is an organization that promotes this stuff is....well.... a little scary. I can think of one person that might want to enter a few contests, though.....

the scale report: *drum roll* Lost two pounds! That makes a net loss of 3.5 pounds :-) *dances around room* Hopefully, that wasn't an aberration. But, I don't really want to lose that much per day.

the cheat report: I do confess, that on the way back from my two mile walk, this morning, I broke off a 3-inch segment from a late asparagus spear. I'll see if I can work that off by mowing for an hour or two.

the mental acuity report: So far, I have not left a burner on at the stove. The fact that I haven't yet used the stove today, might have something to do with it. The day is young. Give me time.

___________________

In other news, Nolan lost another bottom tooth. It apparently met its demise in the eating of an egg salad sandwich. Unfortunately, the tooth seems to have been swallowed, and there is no way it can be recovered for deposit into his "tooth bottle." At least, no way that I am willing to attempt. The lad seems to be bearing up rather well, despite his incisoral loss.

Tweet

Diet-line, Day 3

the scale report: this morning's weigh-in showed a loss of one pound. That is a net loss of 1.5 pounds :-)

the cheat report: have not partaken of anything off the four-meal (per day)list, despite going to a local concert where they served chocolate cake and punch afterwards.

So, I realize now, that I used to think about food. A LOT. Now, however, my thoughts are consumed by food! Only eight more days until I can have a "cheat" break, which, amazingly enough, will correspond with a "Girls'-Going-Back-To-School-Shopping-Extravaganza. It is tradition to eat at Arby's. By then, my stomach will be so shrunken that I'll be lucky to choke down one chicken finger and half a curly fry.

I'm still waiting for the mental benefits to kick in from cutting out sugar. I've left the burner on at the stove, four times, in the last two days. I may have to add a new category to the reported statistics.
_____________________________

The quote from today's reading of "Franklin and Winston," by Jon Meacham comes from page 27. Roosevelt, upon meeting Orson Welles, remarked,

"You know, Orson, you and I are the two best actors in America."

Well, that's it for today. I still have time to get in a little more practice at pretending I am full.

Tweet

Mist......

......of a Sunday morn

Tweet

The Diet-line, Day 2

OK. I know people don't like to hear about diets, but, the way I figure it, if I gotta suffer, so do you.

Hence, the first in a serious of reports on minor aspects of the process/ordeal/form of torture. (this won't take long, I promise)

The scale report: after one completed day, got up this morning and weighed in at.....HA! You didn't really think I was gonna tell, did you? The scales reported a loss of .5 pounds. That makes a net loss of .5 pounds, so far. (this part will get more interesting as the days go by, I hope...)

The cheat report: Despite great temptation, I have not had one chocolate, not even one morsel that was not on the approved list. Well, actually, I did absent-mindedly pop a left-over baked bean in my mouth. But, I was just cleaning up after supper, and was never in any danger of going over the "bean brink," as they say in support group lingo.

So far, so good........OH NO!!!! I have just consulted my menu, and realized that I have eaten the chicken that was supposed to be my 4th meal of the day, for my 3rd meal. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! What shall I do?

*takes sip of Diet Cherry Coke and contemplates...*

There is nothing for it but to swap meals 3 and 4. Hopefully, nothing cataclysmic will occur.

In the meantime, I will leave you with a quote from my latest library book, "Franklin and Winston."

The author, John Meacham, cites this gem as an example of Winston Churchill's drive and ambition at the age of 33:

"We are all worms. But I do believe that I am a glow-worm."

Glowingly yours, Ma

Tweet

The Jim-Bob Report: Dietline

"Good evening. I'm Jim McDonald, coming to you from Des Moines. While we await the commencement of the Iowa State Fair, we thought it would be nice to bring you another human interest story from Ma Hoyt. Our man in the field, Bob MacCackle has been snooping around the homestead of that crazy family in Butler County. Bob? What's the latest up there?"

"Well, Jim, you won't believe it, but Ma has just started another diet."

"Oh no! Say it isn't 'so,' Bob."

"That's a negatory on the 'not so,' Jim. In fact, she was out shopping today, and came home with some unusual items. Rumor has it there were large amount of fruits and vegetables in those grocery bags. That's FRUITS and Vegetables, Jim, and I'm not lyin.'"

"Well now, that does sound drastic. And so, is this the 'Athens' Diet?' Or perhaps, 'The Laguna Beach Diet?' Do you have a name, for us, Bob?"

"I do indeed, Jim. Ma's new diet is called *sound of shuffling papers* 'The Idiot Proof Diet.' Yes, that's right. THE IDIOT PROOF DIET. You heard it here, Jim."

"Alright, Bob. I'll take your word for it. Now, does this mean one has to be an 'idiot' to start the diet? The diet turns you into an idiot? Or just what, Bob?"

"I have NO idea, Jim, since, I had trouble finding anyone who would admit they had actually been on that diet. On condition of anonymity I did manage to persuade one neighbor to confess to looking at the ad, but that was about it. Everyone seems to be under some sort of 'gag order.' Personally, I think it's all those wretched vegetables..."

"OK, Bob. I won't pursue that line of questioning any further. But, tell me this: does Ma still get to eat dark chocolate?"

"Jim, that is the really, sad part of all this. Picture that smart aleck on the 'Capital One,' commercials. Close your eyes, Jim. I need you to do some heavy-duty visualizing, ol' buddy. *pause* Are you visualizing, Jim?"

"YES, Bob..."

"'Cause, I'm getting these vibes, Jim, that you're not quite with me, on this one..."

"I'm with you, Bob. I'M WITH YOU!"

" Well, hey, Jim, don't get all steamed. So, anyway....uh.....where was I?..."

"The chocolate, Bob, The CHOCOLATE. Does she get to eat chocolate?"

"Nada, Jim. As in NONE. At least for the first 11 days, anyway. After that I think she gets to 'cheat' for 3 days. It's all a little hazy... but, my sources have confirmed that, for today, at least, Ma has had NO chocolate. And, no snacks of ANY kind."

"If that news is accurate, Bob, then we have to wonder at her mental stability, do we not? I mean, how is she coping? Do you hear any screaming or shouting? Do we have a 'psycho' on the loose, Bob?"

"Not at the moment, Jim. As luck would have it, Wal-Mart had some pret-ty hefty clearance sales. 'The Ma' came home with three new CD's, dirt cheap. 'Guitar Classics' was the first to come out of the shrink-wrap, Jim. We're talkin' 'Pachelbel's Canon,' "Ave Maria,' in both 'A' AND 'C Majors,' by the way. And then, there was Ma's personal favorite, 'Recuerdos de la Alhambra.' Very pretty stuff, Jim. Right now, I believe.....*sound of stealthy footsteps*....yes, she's playing 'Benny Goodman.' Oh, BABY! What a beat!...."

"Ok, there, Bobbo. Methinks you are getting a lit-tle too involved in this story.."

"Shhhhh! Not now, Jim, they're playing the best big band song of all time, 'Sing, Sing, Sing...."

"And there you have it, folks. Our reporters will go to any length to get a story. That's all for the 'Diet-line,' this evening. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going out for a deep-dish pizza: extra cheese and pepperoni. For Bob MacCackle, this is Jim McDonald, wishing you, 'good night.'"

Tweet

How does one solve a mowing dilemma?

Ditch Lilies!


[7:01]Apologies for the poor picture. I know I have a better one, but "the guys" are performing strange rituals and incantations over their laptops, the servers and the networks. Something to do with computers. At ANY rate, I do not have access to my files of pictures, but, thankfully, due to my laziness, I still have a ton of pics on my camera, so, voilà!

Every once in a while, procrastination pays off.

I'm sure you are wondering how these orange lilies managed to grow up on the steep side of the ditch, all nice and neat like that. Well, I'll tell you: I PLANTED THEM. ALL 145 CLUMPS OF THEM!

I first got the idea when I was "Great with Ethan," a child who will always remain endeared to his maman, since at 9lb 1 oz, he was the smallest of the nine-pounders. Believe me, we moms appreciate every ounce that falls (or doesn't fall) our way. But I digress....

This was back in the year 1996, probably before many of you college types were even born, I don't know. But, with his health, Loren could not mow, and if any of the kids were mowing, I certainly wouldn't let them tackle THAT section. You may not be able to tell from the picture, but part of it is SO steep, that the only way to manage the job was to approach it from the road in perpendicular fashion, and go down and then drag the mower back up. I only fell a couple of times.

I determined that was the LAST pregnancy I would put up with THAT. So, getting permission from our neighbors, Kendra and I went down and dug up the common ditch flower bulbs, and another horticultural solution came into being.

Eight (plus) years later, the bank has filled in so well that I hardly have to weed out any grass. And best of all, I still have both feet.
_____________

So, just being immersed in the whole nature thing, today, I weeded around seven fruit trees and applied some sheep manure that someone had given us several years ago. They told us to let it age a bit. I trust it was sufficiently cured, by now.

Whilst engaged in this endeavor, I noticed that those crazy raccoons had returned to harass the sweet corn. I say "crazy," since the stuff isn't even ripe yet. I hope and pray they all die of indigestion. In the meantime, I utilized a hint from the Farmer's Almanac, and squirted shaving cream all around the plots. I chose "Real Man" scent, so I'm hoping there will be some "Real Deterrence." I could have bought "Aloe," but then those little robbers might have been rubbing it all over their paws and commenting on the smooth, silky feel. Some things are just wrong.

THEN, (are you bored, yet?) I rounded up the SEVEN bug spray that I never used last year, and mixed up a magic and deadly potion. This was then applied with my professional-type sprayer around the perimeter of the house, to counteract an expected invasion of crickets. Really, there is always some beastie or bug plaguing us. You haven't lived until you've had to get up in the middle of the night, (again, while pregnant) and hunt under the bed (and your husband's empty shoes) for some insidious leg-rubber of an insect who was keeping you awake.

*sigh*

Some day, I'm REALLY gonna hafta get some therapy.

Tweet

Good things come from cleaning off one's desk.

I ran across the following while tidying up the work station/computer desk/personal retreat. Thanks to G. W. in one of those "Carolina" states for the email forward around Mother's Day, 2004. (Wow. I didn't know it had been THAT long....)
____________________

Enjoy the answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

(Thanks, Gene :-)

Tweet

After a hot morning of mowing.....

...there's nothing like an afternoon at the lake.


[7 pm] There's a reason frozen pizza was put here on earth: for mothers who have taken eight offspring to the lake. "Jack's" may be at the bottom of the frozen food chain, but hey, it works for ME.

The showers that appeared on the radar this morning had dissipated. The mowing was finished. The air was hot and muggy. Our snorkles, plastic floaties and rings acquired "on clearance" were waiting patiently in the closet. All the "Afternoon at the Lake" stars had suddenly come into alignment.

We packed a lunch cooler, stopped for pop and ice and finally arrived at an empty beach. It was ours. ALL OURS! The next half hour I spent applying sun screen and trying to blow up plastic floats. There seemed to be a fatal flaw in the make-up of said devices, for I had to take a sharp knife and poke a hole into the air-blowing thing-a-ma-jigger. Three times. But I blew them up, and only got a little light-headed.

THEN came the best part: unfolding my lawn chair, popping the tab on a diet cherry Coke, and putting on my earphones to the transistor radio. We were 20 miles closer to my favorite big band station, and the reception was SUPERB.

I can think of worse ways to spend an afternoon.

The rest of my time was taken up with constantly counting heads, and evaluating who had just bobbed underwater, how old they were, and estimating a reasonable time for them to reemerge.

We went, they swam, I survived.

Tweet

RATS!....Bats

So, it is really late, for me, and I am sitting here at my computer with a tennis racket by my side.

A little late night service practice? I think not.

As I was taking care of laundry just before bedtime, I heard a faint noise, and thought, "Great....another mouse." Then I saw something flying around and realized it was a bat, which is sorta like a mouse, only I hate them much, much more. And, unlike mice and snakes, I am actually scared of them.

Well, it took some time to FIND a tennis racket-having to procure a flashlight and go through the dark addition and out into the garage-but find one I did. Unfortunately, my swipes were of no effect, hampered by my hunched over position, and the many recesses of the unfinished basement ceiling. Oh yes, bats dip and careen and fly very fast. Sharon saw one in the computer room, but chased him back to the basement, where the ceiling is low and they fly at about face level.

Alas, they evaded clubbing and exited the bat cave.

Tennis rackets are the weapon of choice, as their webbing is sometimes not picked up by the bat's radar. I found this out several years ago when I chased one down with a broom in the living room. "Next time, use a tennis racket," I was told by a fellow bat-beater.

Other than the whirring by one's face and other annoyances of bats flying around one's bedroom, (yes, this happened several years ago) I have this totally unreasonable fear of rabies. I guess it has something to do with this story.

So, with the adrenaline pumping, it is just hard to sleep. Now, not only do I have bats to worry about, but I can look forward to feeling like a sleep-deprived zombie tomorrow.

I think if one more person tells me how this old house has such character, I will scream.

Here's hoping I don't hear one of the kids scream, tonight.

*yawn*

Tweet

Normally....

...I wouldn't take two loaded carts through the Wal-Mart self check-out. But today was an exception.

As I cast about for the shortest check-out line, my gaze fell upon a disturbing phenomenon: There was only one human being within sight, and she was gazing about helplessly while her aisle light blinked in lonely solitude. It would seem hers was not an active counter.

And that was when I made the fatal decision to go for the new-fangled-mechanically-voiced-demon-of-sales-gizmo.

I was not a stranger to new technology, oh no. For, hadn't I, just last week, for the very first time, whizzed off several emails with pictures attached? I mean, some of them even arrived. No, casting all fear aside, I calmly steered two carts and four children to the infamous white cubes on poles.

"Mommy," asked Kendra with awe and hesitation, "Are....you....sure you want the self-check-out?"

"Of COURSE!" I replied, with no hesitation, and even less brains.

1st Mistake: Don't take the sacks away from the bagging area before the idiot machine says you can

2nd Mistake: Don't go too fast for the machine. Not only do you have to wait for the "beep" signifying it has read the barcode, but you must wait for the "go ahead" signal to swipe the next item

3rd Mistake: whatever you do, Don't EVER take something out of the sack, once it has been scanned, even if the idiot machine tells you something hasn't been scanned, and you KNOW it was....

4th Mistake: Don't try using a Wal-Mart gift card to pay, even if the option appears on the screen (apparently, our store has "old" machines, that do not TAKE gift cards. Until tomorrow, when they will be updated. It was just my dumb luck that I ran out of supplies a day early)

Well, we only needed help 3 or 4 times. At LEAST I did not suffer the fate of the man just before me. He got to hear those chilling words,

"WARNING! Wal-Mart inventory has detected an unauthorized item in your possession. Throw down your weapons and surrender IMMEDIATELY!!"

Well, those might not be the exact words. But, you get my drift.(one of our sons bought a wallet at Wal-Mart, and when he was entering the store, months later, it set off the alarm, because the check-out person hadn't removed some little plastic doo-hickey)

Enough whining! I've given "Little Red" a rest. Time to resume the exhilarating activity that DREAMS are made of. I speak, of course, of mowing.

I leave you with this ancient Irish mowing blessing:

"May the rows rise to meet you,
May your clippings fall always to the side,
And may you never, hit a really hard pine cone."

Tweet