Our Tax Dollars at Work

This is just TOO funny not to share....and has been added to my list of reasons for why we homeschool.

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What I Learned........

Recently:

1) If you are trying that weight loss trick of taking a tablespoonful of vinegar in a glass of water before mealtimes,
a) you will smell like a salad, and,
b) the acidic nature of the tonic could quite possibly inflame your tongue and throat, making it difficult to eat. It DOES promote weight loss. You thought it would burn calories, but it burns your tongue, instead.

Today:

2) Dead rose bushes still have a lot of roots to dig out.

3) You must never show too much ability to take on opposite-gender tasks, because when you mention something doesn't work, you just might be expected to fix it yourself.

4) A raccoon family has taken up residence out in the breezeway. They don't even pay rent. At least, nothing I care to collect.

Fortunately, I have extensive experience in small animal extermination.

That is all.

Have a nice day.

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The Grad-line, Part 2: With Jim and Bob

".......and so, folks, despite a terrific wind at England's "Museum and Gallery Kick-off Gala," we learned two important things: first, Charles felt it was an 'imaginative event,' and secondly, Camilla does not, I repeat, does not wear a wig. I know I will sleep better tonight with those two facts indelibly fixed in my mind."

"And now, back on the home front, we go to our very own intrepid reporter, Bob McCackle. Bob? What can you tell us concerning that graduation drama in Iowa?"

"Well, Jim, of course it really takes place in two locations, Iowa AND Texas. Plans seem to be taking shape quite nicely. The graduation announcements have all been sent out, so, I believe the kid HAS to graduate, now, or suffer unthinkable shame and disapproval. Not to mention those annoying 'tsk, tsks' and 'I told you so's.' "

"Now Bob, is there anything on record that would set a precedent for a potential graduate not achieving graduate status after the announcements have been sent out?"

"Not to my knowledge, Jim. Though, I really couldn't say, since the research department hasn't recovered after 'Danny Boy' wiped the hard drives just before leaving.....But 'Ma' seems fairly confident. She said if things do 'head south,' they'll just move to another state. For instance, south."

"So then, Bob, what else can you tell us about, 'Operation Grad-Prep?'"

"Well, Jim, of course a lot of mundane activities cannot be postponed, merely because the oldest child's graduation is imminent."

"Uh, Bob, I think you mean eminent, don't you?"

"Trust me, Jim. I mean imminent. And, as I was saying, *ahem* 'Ma' was taking care of a few of the necessities of life, today: returning library books, buying groceries, and, most importantly, listening to Big Band on the car radio."

"Very interesting, Bob. *yawn* Can you give us any insight into the bizarre psyche of this woman? Like, what kind of food does she purchase?"

"As a matter of fact, Jim, I do have a list with me.....*checks notes*.....as well as the usual staples, milk, cheese, and Dove's Dark Chocolates, 'Ma' also brought home a frozen lasagna."

"Lasagna? So, we're talkin' the 'Family size,' now, aren't we, Bob?"

"Nega-tory, Jim. Apparently 'Family Size' isn't big enough. 'Family Size' just wasn't made for this size of family. I have it from an unimpeachable source that this is a 'Party Size,' family, and that's no joke, my friend."

*low whistle* "I'm speechless, Bob. Purely, utterly and absolutely speechless!"

"Well, Jim, get your wits back about you while you listen to this. 'Ma' also purchased a bottle of Hershey's Syrup. And, here me out, Jimbo, it comes with calcium and 5 essential vitamins AND minerals."

"Get out. GET OUT!"

"I'm tellin' ya, it's true, Jim. There can be no doubt about it. This woman really loves her family. Back to you, Jim."

"And there you have it folks. The very latest on that intriguing tribe in Iowa. A husband and wife, their children, and her chocolate. Tune in next week when we bring you a special exposé: 'Cacao Beans and Women--Harmless Addiction? or Lethal Combination?"

"This is Jim McDonald for Bob McCackle, goodnight."

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It's QUIZ Time!

I have, on occasion, taken quizzes which are suppose to give insight into various aspects of one's personality, brain, city of choice, or type of dog one is most likely to be bitten by. (I haven't actually seen this last one, but I think it could be helpful)

I have found them incredibly inspiring. So much so, that I have developed my own quiz. It is based around my interests, of course, and, while not completely scientific, it has the bonus of being generated in toto by me, which I have found to be significantly helpful in controlling the outcome.

What Kind of Person are You, Anyway?

1. If you were given the choice of visiting any point within the confines of our galaxy, where would you go?
A) The sun
B) Jupiter's moon, Io
C) Home Depot
D) An as yet undiscovered satellite orbiting earth, made entirely out of chocolate.

2. If you could fix anything in your house/apartment/dorm room, what would it be?
A) The toaster
2) The fridge
3) Your computer
4) Your wife's computer

3. If you had no other pressing duties and were literally FORCED to watch a television show, which would you prefer?
A) Gilligan's Island (old version)
B) Hogan's Heroes
C) This Old House
D) The Red Green Show

4. If you had unlimited funds for a vacation, where would you go?
A) Disneyland
B) Alaskan Cruise
C) National Technology Expo
D) Nowhere. You'd stay home with the kids and send your wife off to the spa of her choice.

5. If you were receiving a 100 dollar gift certificate, your merchant of choice would be:
A) Local Carwash
B) Gourmet Ice Cream Shop
C) Ebay
D) Used book store

6. If you could have a day out with any political big whig, who would it be?
A) Bill Clinton
B) Hillary Clinton
C) George W. Bush
D) Bob the Tomato

7. If you were preparing to clean out the fridge, what would you have to do first?
A) Combine all the leftovers into a "surprise casserole"
B) You wouldn't have to do anything, cause it's always clean
C) Ignite as many scented candles as possible
D) Call the local HazMat team and light the candles

The final evaluation is:

Mostly "A's"----You are a warm hearted person who is in touch with the common man, and may not have long to live.

Mostly "B's" ----Cold. Very cold. But there is still hope. Especially if one of the "B's" was "Hogan's Heroes."

Mostly "C's"-----You have your good points, but they are slightly outweighed by your bad points.

Mostly "D's"-----You are practically perfect. In every way. Why can't more people be like you?

So, what kind of person are you, anyway?

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Further Adventures of Akahbar

by Ali Gaugh Ree

Akahbar the goose, was perplexed. Truth be told, he was perturbed. With occasional forays into miffery and disgruntleness.

He had, after all, endured untold horrors while imprisoned by the environmental scientists. Nevertheless, he had endured, and come forth a dimly glowing (albeit not shining) example of your night-light-type-bulb-of-a-goose. But despite his weathering of a perfectly stormy time, the blue skies would keep fading off to cloudy grays and somber shades of slate. Akahbar's already tenuous hold on his emotions threatened to disengage. As in, become unattached.

Though jerky, he was no longer perky. While tearful, he was nowhere CLOSE to cheerful. And all because of Todd. Todd, being Akahbar's pet turtle.

In the past, Todd had exhibited long stretches of bad-tempered behavior, with brief interludes of disagreeable deportment. He had, as they say, a mean mien.

But Akahbar had stuck with the tortoise. He loved him. And, as his caretaker, Akahbar felt a sense of duty to his hard-shelled charge. A turtle such as Todd, could not be let loose on the public. Oh no. For Todd had a few faults, in addition to his less than amiable attitude.

Todd had the unfortunate habit of biting the wing that fed him. And, purloinage. The turtle had a tendancy to "find" things that others had not the foresight to bolt to the floor of a padlocked cell made of twelve inch steel, encased in kryptonite. (the new and improved variety)

And now, after an extended absence from his wild-thing-of-a-terrestial-reptile, Akhabar had hoped, nay DREAMED that Todd would have turned over a new shell.

But it was not to be. For despite the extraordinary circumstances of the past, Todd was still nipping and tucking with wild abandon.

Well then, what was poor Akahbar to do? Were strong-wing tactics called for? Was a right-armed biped needed? Could the situation demand the ultimate punitive measure, induction into the British monarchy ?

Making this tricky wicket even more sticky, were Todd's next of kin. Although of no tangible help to the lad, they were of a much admired tier in society. To cast aspersions on the turtle's behavior would most decidedly offend the sensibilities of his noble lineage. Perhaps even his family. Progeny on both ends of the turtle spectrum could well be affected. Yes, it was a turtle conundrum of mammoth proportions. Tears? Or tiers? That was the question.

As loath as Akahbar was to squeal, he had started harboring vaguish plans to "let the cat out of the bag," or, as spoken in fowlish terms, "Be a loosey-goosey."

And so, Akahbar pondered.

He pondered, and began to take singing lessons........

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Adolescents!

I was making a half-hearted stab at cleaning off my desk today (shuffling papers) when I ran across this:

(taken from a local paper--the school section--adapted from "Have You Kissed a Frog Today?" by James Garvin.

"Parents get a double whammy when around the age of 11 their child becomes an early adolescent. Not only does the parent lose the adorable elf, the personable companion of the last decade, but the elf is replaced by a moody, distant stranger, obsessed with zits, peers and hair."

[Most of our family are elves, 'cause, like, we're short. They only get to see their "peers" in church on Sunday. I haven't noticed that much moodiness, but hey, I've got breaking news: you could be dealing with zits for the rest of your life! And, one of the reasons I cut my hair short was so I wouldn't be obsessed with it. Now, whoever invented the boys' buzz cut should be made a saint]

"At this age, kids start to interrogate, to look for inconsistencies. We think the kid is going down the drain, and we tend to become more rigid and give them more rules."

[We instituted lots of rules at the beginning. Then you can ease up once you have them properly indoctrinated..... er.... trained]

"The early adolescent doesn't listen to music; it is engulfed by it. It grunts or yells. It slams doors. It likes to be alone. It likes to be with friends. It doesn't like being with parents. It feels so much that walking near it a normal 40 year old is displaced by its energy."

[ I wasn't quite sure if the "it" referred to the adolescent, or the music... But, if you have someone that age slamming doors, you missed the boat about 7 or 8 years ago. Good luck. I am not quite sure about this "energy displacement theory," but I would hazard a guess that Mr. Garvin has been watching too many old Star Trek episodes. Frankly, the word "energy" is about the last thing that comes to mind when I call them for breakfast...]

"We give our middle schoolers mixed messages. We tell them to be themselves because we value individuality, and then tell them to be responsible, to play [sic] ahead, (I think they meant plan) and to get ready for college, when it's all they can do to change classes seven times a day and open their lockers without falling into them. When an early adolescent is being itself, it isn't being responsible in a way resembling any adult definition of responsibility."

[Well, see, this is the beauty of a large family. No one is doted on in excess. We endeavor to spread the neglect around on an even basis, and everyone must assimilate. We had this concept down way before the Borg ever sailed into the final frontier. True, we don't have the challenges of opening lockers and changing classes seven times per day, but we do have interruptions from noisy little kids, and, in the past, the occasional cardiac arrest. It's in our best interests to pull together. The children sense that, and gradually learn to do what is expected of them. Not because they are trying to impress their friends, but because they don't want to let their family down. And, seeing an older sibling set a good example is one of the best teaching methods]

"Adolescents are extremely egocentric. They live in an imaginary bubble in which they must be physically perfect for their perceived audience of thousands."

[Well, we're ALL egocentric, to a certain extent. *looks in mirror and smooths hair* When I don't have to remind certain people to take a bath, or put on a clean shirt, THEN we'll worry about people trying to attain perfection]

"One can liken the 10 to 14 year old to the frog in the fairy tale. The beautiful princess saw something good in the frog and kissed him. The frog turned into a prince. What every adolescent kid needs is at least one adult in his/her life who believes in what the young adolescent can become. Parents/teachers have to be willing to kiss a frog every day for a least three years. Why don't we all begin today?"

[Honey, I've been kissing frogs for *counts on fingers* almost 10 years, now, and I figure I've got about 11 more years to go. At this rate, my lips will be in a sling for the rest of my life.....]

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What I Did on "Earth Day. "

For some reason, the fact that April 22 was Earth Day had escaped my mind. Fortunately, the PBS station playing lovely classical music this morning reminded me. They promised to play appropriate pieces: Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony and Whale music, among others. Regretfully, I missed out on the selection dedicated to marine mammals, but I trust it had the intended effect, whatever that was.

Personally, I prefer music that keeps to the tonal scale. But, after being properly informed of the significance, I endeavored to do my part. I....

- attempted to adopt a pastoral frame of mind whilst listening to Nolan's phonics lesson.

- took special note of the leafing trees and mentioned them aloud as Kendra and I went grocery shopping.

- dropped off Ardith's graduation announcements at the post office, suitably adorned with spring flower stamps.

-bought fertilizer with dandelion killer in it. Not quite sure if this transgresses Earth Day, but I'll risk it. Besides, dandelion fluff clogs up the mower air filter, so, yeah, I guess I'm OK.

- bought several items at Goodwill, which is recycling in it's highest form. Acquisitions were made more meaningful due to, "buy 2 items, get 3rd for a penny," sale.

- did a little mowing before supper, which I consider my duty as one of the humble caretakers of this acre and a half of property. (the fact that we have an image to maintain, and that I wish to impress the neighbors had nothing to do with it)

- took special note of dust and debris on the carpet, which only serves to remind me that I am not needlessly wasting electricity by operating the vacuum too often.

These are all little things, but when done on a consistent basis, serve to make us feel more pious.

Besides, big things are just too depressing. Which reminds me,

"Have you hugged your whale today?"

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In Memory of Roses and Fish

I was returning from a 2 mile walk around noonish, when I strolled over to that section of yard reserved for a modest attempt at roses. I was dismayed to discover that my favorite bush had died. There is no new Spring growth. I think we can safely assume it has kicked the bucket.

So beautiful, with flourescent red petals. Thou were not named, "Knockout Rose" for nothing.

*sigh*

But I am not the only one who has suffered loss. Down in Texas, sits a fishbowl, strangely empty. Euler, the Mighty, has gone belly up. He has travelled to a bigger bowl. That "Bowl of The Swirling Water."

Anna, the caretaker cannot be held responsible. Of course, just because she has been off having all kinds of fun student teaching and what not, she should not be blamed. Too much. Even though she is planning a wedding and getting ready to graduate, we shall not judge too harshly. No, these things happen. But, this poor fish need not be forgotten. I would offer, then, a humble tribute, to one who will produce bubbles no more......

Euler's Eulogy

Euler, O Euler.
There was nobody cooler.
You swam around and 'round and 'round and never were a drooler.

Euler, O Euler.
You never were a fooler.
Life for you was simple, yes, just swimming in the pooler.

Euler, O Euler.
You were not a ruler.
Yet, I bet you were as sweet as any Robert Schuller.
_______________

Well, that's all I could come up with on the spur of the moment. I was shaking down different aquaintances for more info, but Ardith never answered. (I sure hope I remember to mail your graduation announcements, ma chère.....) And then there was Gallagher. Gallagher gave me the lame excuse of going off to supper. Pity. I hope Euler understands....

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The Grad-line: With Jim and Bob

*sounds from backstage*

"....I'm tellin' ya, Jim, we gotta do something, and do it fast!....'Mr. Roger's Neighborhood' is right behind us in the ratings...."

"Don't get your knickers in a twist, Bob. Now, cool it."

"10 seconds to air....."

"But Jim, you heard Sam Donaldson. 'Alternative sources,' man, ALTERNATIVE SOURCES!.....it.....it just doesn't make sense anymore, Jim...."

"Bob, ol' buddy, did you forget to take your medication, again?"

"uh.......yeah......mmm....."

"In three, two, one......"

*sounds of hurried gulping*

"Good evening. I'm Jim McDonald, and tonight we are covering another "down to the wire" scenario out in Iowa. We go now to our man out of Des Moines, Bob McCackle. Bob? What can you tell us about the situation?"

"Evening, Jim. We know this much: the eldest Hoyt child will be graduating from college in less than three weeks. The calendar is ticking, and plans and preparations are flying, thick and fast, out here in the heartland."

"Ok, Bob, aside from those mixed metaphors of yours, can you be more specific?"

"Yes, Jim. It seems "Ma" has been hard at work with reserving a park pavilion, ordering food from a caterer, the works. Why, just today, her faithful and, if I may say so, longsuffering hubby printed out the graduation announcements. They've even bought Spring flower stamps to put on the envelopes: Daffodils, Tulips......They're going all out. I mean, Hyacinths, Jim. HYACINTHS! Have you ever smelled a Hyacinth?...... *sniff*...... Man, it's just so....so.... beautiful....."

*clears throat* "OK, BOB. If I could just have a followup, here. Isn't it a tad late to be sending out announcements? The graduation is only......what....*checks notes*.... two and a half weeks away?"

"That's right, Jim. May 7th is the date of matriculation. But I've checked into the etiquette on this, and I think "Ma's" in the clear. Apparently, if one is just sending announcements, and not invitations, it is perfectly permissible to have them be delivered up to three weeks after the ceremony."

"So, then, you don't think she'll be on the receiving end of one of those nasty "whisper campaigns," then, Bob? From the friends and relatives?"

"No, Jim, I don't believe so. Besides, they know that whatever they say could wind up in her blog. Frankly, I think they're all a little scared of her...."

"Well, that clears up that question, Bob. Now, perhaps you can enlighten me as to why they decided to go with printing out their own announcements, as opposed to having them done professionally?"

"I can tell you this, Jim. "Ma" has been known to be a little....*looks around*........tight with the old pecuniary purse strings, if you know what I mean. She managed to save $15.oo by having her husband print them out. Though, sources close to the situation have reported overhearing her mumble, 'Never again!'"

"Fifteen dollars, Bob? That doesn't sound like a lot of savings to compensate for the hassle of resizing and setting everything up, does it, now?"

"Maybe not. But fifteen dollars can buy a whole lot of chocolate. Back to you, Jim."

"Thank you, Bob. And there you have it folks. Up to the minute reporting on the ever-unfolding drama of midwestern life. Stay tuned for 'Mr. Roger's Neighborhood,' where Fred thrills the kiddies with a wacky new sweater, made of recycled dryer lint. For Bob McCackle, this is Jim McDonald.....Goodnight."

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What Were They Thinking?

I am sitting here at my desk, gazing at a poor, misshapen monstrosity. Let me hasten to add, there are no mirrors within viewing vicinity.

Rather, it is a pathetic excuse for a "toy" from an Arby's kid's meal.

Yesterday, having ventured out on another "Goodwill (store) Tour" of the big city, we stopped for needed sustenance at a fast food restaurant. After ordering my usual chicken fingers, I found the truly unnerving portion of the meal to reside in the paper kid's meal bag. It looks to be a plastic tree, with six stumpy branches which ask a lot of the imagination, even for a child.

But the best part is the foliage. Twenty-odd plastic coated leaves are included in this prize bonanza. They are inscribed with ecological True/False facts, and boast holes with which to affix them to the tree branches.

Well, spray me with pollution and call me a conservative. This is just TOO MUCH FUN!

For example: "Biotic things are the nonliving parts of an environment." (False)

or,

"A good way to dispose of old motor oil is to pour it on the soil or in a waterway." (False again, if you can believe it)

I tried attaching all of the organs of photosynthesis (which are attractive shades of lime and turquoise) to the tree but the effect was less than aesthetically pleasing. It does not look like a tree in full leaf, and Autumn insists on coming early, and often.

Somehow, I don't think this a real winner in the amusement department. I believe the toy's designer came to this conclusion also, for within the tree's trunk is an opening. Within this opening is a red and white striped cylinder that can be rotated by a small dial on the back. Possibly the original intent was a barber pole. Lacking the wherewithal to flesh out that idea, they went with the next logical choice, a tree with politically correct leaves. (if anyone knows what the barber pole-thingy is for, please enlighten me. I am longing to know)

Even the Scooby Doo dog from McDonald's Happy Meal has more merit. His legs move, and his leaves don't fall off on the floor. He's been a back-up instrument of quiet play for the little boys in church for two years, now.

This is one of the first times my kids asked me if they could throw a "meal-toy" away. National Geographic's sponsorship aside, I do not wish to impale my foot on this hazard some night while stumbling to the kitchen for a drink of water. So, keeping in mind one of their ecological facts,

"Plastic cannot naturally decay and turn into compost,"

I shalll dispose of it in the burn pile.

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Brothers Are a Good Thing

Perhaps it's just a part of achieving the ripe old age of forty-six, but I've started reminiscing more, of late. And, when you're foolish enough to drink a diet Cherry Coke after four in the afternoon, you might find yourself reminiscing instead of sleeping.

Loren receiving a heart transplant may have put me in an introspective mood, also. It's a drastic change. This time, for the better. It was just a little over ten years ago that our lives appeared to take a sharp nose dive.

You really don't forget receiving a call out of the blue that says your husband has been found by the side of the road in cardiac arrest. It's tempting to just relive the horrific parts. They're rather superb for those times when one wishes to make peoples' jaws drop, or making someone feel guilty for just being alive.

This is not, primarily, one of those recollections.

I was alone in the Critical Care Unit waiting room. Well, now, to be perfectly accurate, I did have baby Carolyn with me. But, at less than 5 months of age, she was just a nursing babe, who could not leave her mother's side for more than an hour.

Our pastor at that time was out of town. Other people in the church were either sick or away. Two couples, however, did make the long drive to the hospital to cry and pray with me. But they had gone and I was now alone.

Sometime, in the middle of the night, Doug walked in. He had driven more than 4 hours so that a family member could be by my side until my parents arrived from even farther away. Doug was married, and left five children at home, so it was no picnic for his wife, Cindy. But he and my dad had discussed it, and felt it was important that a relative was there for me.

Maybe it's the late hour, but I'm getting teary just thinking of it, now.

It was good for him to be there. He is one of those stable, rock-like fellows that never gets angry, always trusts God, and has a humorous, gentle way with words. And, unlike me, he is truly humble, and not just a pretender. He provided that necessary encouragement to a shell-shocked sister, who suddenly found herself deposited on foreign soil. (until this point, Loren and I had taken pains to avoid the traditional medical establishment)

He remained until my folks arrived, and then returned to his familial obligations. But not before he "was there" for me.
_______________________

That was over ten years ago. This week, a woman arrived on his doorstep and bore the tidings that his position, which he had held for 20 years, had been terminated. Effective, immediately. It was decent of her to travel from another state to give him this news. And, she had no role in his job loss, or in the others that occurred at the same time.

Twenty years of computer work ought to count for something in the job market. But discontinuation of a job may mean a whole host of problems for the son in college and the son at home who is in need of special prescription drugs and care for the rest of his life.

So, I would covet your prayers for Doug and Cindy and their family. Losing one's job is a shock. Losing one's medical insurance is worse, in my estimation.

But he would be (and is) the first one to say that God will provide.

If I could do any good by driving all night to be there, I would. Dramatic as it sounds, though, it would not help in this instance.

But prayer, now, prayer can help.

Please pray if you feel led, 'cause.....

......he's my brother.

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Oh Yeah!

So, I woke up this morning and it was raining. And immediately I had to postpone my dreams of additional mowing. But, with every cloud comes a slacker lining. Because of the rain, it would be impossible to wash the windows of all the glass doors at church. Oh my, I cried a few tears over that one.

A little computer work, a few diaper changes later, and I was off to finish church cleaning. At home, I had left a noisy crew deeply (and loudly) engrossed in a multi-player game of X-pilot. And me? I was forced to work in peaceful solitude, with nary a chair or pew breaking the silence. Oh yes, that brought another lump of regret to the throat.

Two hours passed. Unlike last week, when I swept up at least 600 lady bird beetles off the west windows, I had to content myself with a mere 10 or 12. But like I always say, you can't expect mountain top experiences on a daily basis. However, I did happen upon a novel appearance from the animal kingdom. Sometime, possibly overnight (but really, who can say ?) 5 earthworms had.... well...... wormed their way in under the south doors. You had to feel a little sorry for them. I mean, here they were, trying to better their situation, in a noble escape from a watery grave, when, unbeknownst to them, they opted for the fatal "worming under the door" foray, crossing over into a dry and deadly demise on an indoor-outdoor mat.

So, with utmost care and respect, I crushed them into smaller pieces so as to more expeditiously slurp them up with the sweeper. It was a poignant moment.

Two hours passed, thus, in aforementioned reverie. Following these ministrations, I made a quick return to home base, where I unselfishly relinquished my domestic responsibilities and forced the kids to fix lunch. And then? Kendra and I headed off to that arduous duty of weekly shopping. Well, somebody has to do it, don't they.

It entailed the usual accumulation of food and non-food items, of matter and anti-matter materials. And yet, could we forego a trip to Goodwill. I think not!

A casual perusal of the dresses brought forth something that bespoke unusual quality. Not only that, but--it--just--might-- fit. The dressing room confirmed my initial suspicions :-) *pumps arm* "YES!" (Never mind that I transgressed a house rule and took more than three garments into the fitting chamber. No charges will be pressed) The dress was acquired for $5.75.

Exiting the store, we were greeted with beautiful sunshine. The rain had ended and I was in possession of a little device that could change the course of two young men's lives. The cell phone. I called my hubby who cheerfully agreed to pass on the message, "There's mowin' to be done in them thar hills, boys." Jason and Derek were ordered to fire up the mower again. It was just as well, since their computer game time was up, anyway.

Upon arriving home, the lawn bore witness of careful attention, an even haircut. A small section remained, allowing me to power up my endorphins and get at that grass. (I'd much rather mow than put away groceries, any day)

The rain returned, but did that stop me? NO! All pertinent parts were shaved to a respectable length.

It had been a good day.

And the best part? Examining my "new"dress and finding a store tag that had not been removed. So, the dress was actually unused. Hot doggies! A closer look revealed.........$68.00!!!

Now, "Who Da Ma!"

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How Do You Turn Kids Green?

You mow.

Today was the ceremonial "First Mowing O' the Lawn," a task which heralds in the spring season as no other activity can. Oh, you can have your maypoles and tricksy dances with ribbons. Just give me the heady scent of newly cut grass, and the intoxicating aroma of sunlight on shorn blades.

Loren, having checked over the well-used push mower, gave us the go ahead for "Operation Greenclip." Then, with five commanding priming pumps, I held down the handle, yanked on the pull-cord-starter-thingy while yelling "ENGAGE!", and VROOOM, the engine roared to life. I felt just like Jean-Luc Picard, only greener.

For some reason, this is also the signal for all the little kids to come running out and start gallevanting through the moist clippings. There is nothing like the first mowing to get a really terrific green dye over hands and feet. Naturally, they have grass fights. They scoop up little piles and jump in them, over and over. Apron-like, they hold up the excess material of what used to be a decent shirt, hoarding carefully gathered clumps of oozy goodness.

Oh well, who needs clean bed sheets, anyway?
_________________

I am happy to report that oldest daughter Ardith is feeling better, today. Hopefully, the remaining weeks until graduation will be uneventful. I'm sure she would appreciate your prayers.

I have some other folks I might request prayer for, but I need to make sure they do not mind being mentioned on the blog. I have tried very hard not to list person after person and their particular needs. There are so many! And I do not want people to read this and think, "Ma's asking me to pray for this person, and THIS person....etc....? Just about every person one meets up in Rochester needs prayer for an extremely serious physical condition. But this is a little different, and it hits close to home. That's all I'll say on the matter, for now.

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Good and Not So Good Things

Good Thing: got to sleep in until 8:00 this morning.

Bad Thing: the coordinator forgot to order a Cyclosporine blood level so we have to get it done locally on Monday

Good Thing: lovely day, so during a break between appointments we walked outside for Loren's daily exercise. I did my civic duty by preventing Loren from crossing against the light, once. (there were a lot of potential witnesses, anyway)

Bad Thing: sweet-n-sour pork in the cafeteria

Good Thing: running into Sharon and Virgil in the same cafeteria. Virgil was one of the Type O patients who had to wait a LONG time. He now has a new heart and seems to be doing well.

Bad Thing: finding out from Sharon that Bob Peterson, who got a heart a month or two after Loren, is currently in the hospital with full rejection. (gotta pray for Bob)

Good Thing: actually getting to see the doctor on time

Slightly Bad Thing: finding out Loren has another 1a rejection. Oh well, doc says it doesn't bother him......

Rather Unnerving Bad Thing: getting a call on cell phone, in doctor's office, from Ardith's roommate, saying she had taken Ardith to the ER with another of her funny spells. Extreme fatigue, shortness of breath, increased heart rate and increased blood pressure.

Good Thing: Loren doesn't have to come back for another appointment at Mayo until middle of June :-)

Good Thing: Heather, roommate extroidinaire, calling me with updates about Ardith, and spending a good five hours or more of her day, missing things she had scheduled, to be with "my little girl"

Mixed Thing: Ardith, feeling slightly better, has been sent home with an antibiotic for a small UTI, with more tests coming back tomorrow.

Good Thing: Daughter Sharon has been a busy bee, preparing homemade rice pudding for the kids' snack, a homemade lasagna for me to pop in the oven, and then going off to her job in the local cafe.

A Really, REALLY Good Thing: coming home and getting scrumptious hugs from little ones.

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Life in the Big Mayo

Everyone should sleep in a motel once in a while, just to renew their appreciation for their own bed at home. After a couple of sleepless hours, I finally wised up and discarded the overstuffed room pillow and pulled up the end of a long body pillow I had brought from home. It's purpose having been intended to facilitate watching TV in bed. But I drifted right off when I used it for sleeping.

Which just goes to prove, TV can have a positive effect on one's life.

Having been given orders to report for bloodwork at 6:30, and then a heart biopsy at 8:00, we made the obvious decision to report late for bloodwork. Who knew there would be a line of 25 people waiting for labs? Who knew we would sit in the waiting room for an hour?

Fortunately, I had my old crossword book handy, with the same expert puzzle I couldn't figure out the last time we were here. I sure hope all this anti-althizmer's therapy is worth it. At least I have picked up some very valuable information, like, the name of a Hawaiian goose. (forgot it! I'll think of it in a minute....)

And, as if having a an inanimate crossword puzzle proclaim you dumb wasn't entertaining enough, there was the gentleman who searched out sympathetic older women he could confide his life's story too. Thankfully, I had my husband with me, and, I am actually one of the younger women among the patient/spouse population.

Well, the gist of it is, we had to report late for the biopsy, but they have taken Loren off now, and I am drowning my loneliness in this computer, handily located in the waiting room. I notice that it has remembered my user name for blogger and email, from the last time we were here, and frankly, I find that a little disconcerting.

I miss the kids, while up here, and find myself trying not to think of possible worse-case scenarios that could occur while we are gone. It doesn't help when you recall a conversation from last week.....

Nolan: "Mommy, can you buy me a flamethrower?"

Ma: *blinks* "Uh, no, Nolan, I don't think we're gonna do that." (remain calm, Ma, keep typing and remain calm)

Nolan: (in a very sweet voice) "But, Mommy, please?"

Ma: "No. Besides, even if I wanted to, which I don't, I'm pretty sure you have to be in the army, or something like that, to buy a flamethrower. Ordinary people like us aren't allowed to buy those kinds of things)

Nolan: *ponders this and stifles disappointment*

Ma: "So, where did you hear about flamethrowers, anyway?"

Nolan: "From 'Calvin and Hobb[e]s'"

Ma: *remembers Ardith and Sharon each bought one of these books for the family......*

*whips out "will list".............*

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Mayo, mi Mayo

Off for another fun filled two-day checkup in Rochester. This will be the second trip back since coming home from the three-month stay. (if that makes any sense)

The brood is left in the capable hands of Sharon, who can always call upon Granny Whiff, if need arises. Hopefully, the need will not arise, as I heard talk of russlin' up a possum stew, or some type of meal centering around "le roadkill du jour."

Such a shame I won't be here to give it a taste test....

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A Few More Resolutions.....

"Now, what's all this ah heerd about youse tryin' ta lose weight?"

"Well, uh, Granny, I just thought I'd try for a couple pounds......"

"Is you sick in the heyud, or whut?"

"MMmm, I did have a headache last night...."

"Oh fer cryin' out loud! You knows I wasn't bein' litrull. Now, how many tahms do ah hafta tell youse about big bones a runnin' in are fambly?"

"I'm not sure I agree ......."

"Besahds, likes ah always says, sum vus gotta be on the plumpish sahd, so as ta make other peoples look good. Do you want ta make other people look ba-yud? Does you wants that on yer conshuns, lil' gurl?"

"Well now, Granny, I hardly think that's a fair argument....."

"Fair, Schmair. Ah won'ta leave here 'til ah knows you'll be senzibal. Now here, have a piece o' mah fresh bread-n-butter...."

"mmmffph..."

"And whut's the majick wurds ahm awaitin' ta hear?"

*gulp* "You rule, Granny. You rule."

"You gots that raht, chile. That's mah good gurl, now."
_______________________

Resolved:

-stopped obsessing about weight

-send out Ardith's graduation announcements by the end of summer

-change locks on doors

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Lesson Wun

Howwwwwwwwwwwdee! Granny Whiff, here, agin. Now hush! And don'tcha tell ol' "Ma" that ah have snuck onta her pewter. She be out runnin' round like a lil' ol' rabbit doin' a might bit o' yard work afor it do commence ta rain. What she don't know won't hurt er none, seein' as she's far too 'tatched to this here infernal machine.

Ah jist thought youse might be a wonderin' what all I was fixin' ta learn my god-chile on kuntry eddyket.

Firstwise, we gots ta get our terminologees cor-rect.

Kuntry: the personification of me :-)

Southern: the bad guys in Lord of the Rings

Southern Belle: nothin' more than a "ding-dong" with a fancy French "e" on the end

Well, that's all, fer now. Lahf's great learnin' comes in bits and snatches. Sides, ah gots ta go afor that hot-tempered gal comes in from talkin' with the wurms, or what-ever it is she's a doin' out theres.

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Tests, Tests, and More Tests

It is another breezy day out Ioway, but the wind and signs of spring are enough to dispel the last shreds of winter gloom.

-The ditch lilies are sprouting!

-The grass is actually turning green!

-The scholastic tests are over for another school year! *prolonged cheering*

Derek, Melinda, Carolyn and Ethan took their ITBS on Thursday and Friday of this week. This entailed rising in the predawn hours, driving for almost an hour, and testing for three hours, each of those days. But it is over!

Today, Jason took the ACT. Sharon graciously offered to drive him over in the morning, and then I collected him and what was left of his brain, around noon. Said he recognized Calculus and Chemistry in the test. See, when I took it, I had already been accepted to college. It was just a formality, which is good, because I didn't even know enough to realize that what I didn't understand was Calculus and Chemistry. It's probably just as well I was never told my score :-) Jason is currently unwinding with the help of a computer game.

Loren will be going back up to Mayo next week, for two days of testing. The usual stuff, bloodwork, heart biopsy, doctor and nurse visits, chest x-ray, Cyto-Gam infusion, Nebupent inhalation treatment......

*scuffling noises*

"Granny.....?.......what......OUCH!.......ok.....OK!"

Hey doo, folks! Granny Whiff, here. Don't give no nevermind ta those rasslin' noises you jist heerd. I plumb had ta force mahself onto this here pewter. Dat god-chile O mine DO run on at da mouth, so.....

Any-tway, I jist hadda let youse know dat ah is here, an evahthang is gonna be all-raht! Ah have cum ta save da day, kulchoorly speakin.' I will learn my sweet god-chile all da propah thangs she should knows afor goin' to da south.

*aside* "Hush! chile. You ain't never gorner git nowheres iffen youse always intruptin'....

In da meantahm, heer be a raht nahce pitcher of dat lil' ol sweety-pah, Trevorboy.

Ain't he a pert lookin' feller?

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A Day of Testing

It is night. Darkness has long since enveloped the teeming household. At irregular intervals, sleeping bodies stir restlessly at the sound of odd thumps and bangings. Hush! O Tossing Ones. It is only the annoying vents in the roof, catching the whimsical wind of the Iowa plains.

From out of a fitful slumber, an incessant beeping is heard. A smoke alarm gone awry after months of inactivity? A hapless mouse, caught in a less than hapless trap? A nuclear device, set to detonate in less than two minutes, awaiting a superMa's intervention?

Alas, it is only the alarm clock. Time to arise and stumble to the shower.

It is the long awaited DAY OF TESTING. *ominous music*

Through darkened halls, a mother treads on noiseless size nine-and-a-half (wide) feet, quietly tapping on doors, and murmuring those dreaded words, "It is time!"

Time to quietly creep out of bed. Time to search for the clothes, neatly laid out the night before. Time for the unfortunate, "Please don’t do that again!" movement of a squeaky door, which unintentionally awakens two very young lads. Young lads whose sleep-deprived-dark-natures have been lying dormant, waiting. Waiting for such a time as this.

Dark is the sky. Dark is the kitchen. Dark, indeed, is the mood of the Ma who says, "Great! Now the little boys will be wiped out for the rest of the day...." Being the ever attentive maman, she leaves them to their own devices, snuggled amidst mounds of blankets on the couch.

Breakfast is eaten. Writing utensils are assembled. Jackets are donned. As the party of five walks out the door, the mother solemnly offers one last bit of sage advice, "Remember, O Progenous Ones, fill in the circles neatly, but quickly. Focus, concentrate, and relax. The fact that this will be a huge reflection on me should not even enter your minds."

Shaking off the fog of lost sleep, Ma drives with amazing skill and determination. She must arrive early, but not too early. She must display confidence, despite the conflicting directions from Internet and human sources. With grace, nay aplomb, she pulls into the parking lot, swerving suddenly across one lane of traffic. (But it was OK, 'cause no one was coming, and, by the way, the Internet was wrong) Her children are mute with admiration. Well, she's pretty sure it's admiration. They are mute, anyway.

Inside: tables, chairs, and helpful adults offering directions. Other testers wait, in silence. Little tremulous looks are shared back and forth between parent and child, between child and child, between chair and child.

Room assignments. Walking and standing in line. A nervous 4th grader clings to Ma's hand. The mother signs the fateful sheet of paper. Name, address, school district. Will the relentless mental gymnastics never cease?

Time to say goodbye. A quick kiss, a squeeze of the hand. It will be three hours before loved ones meet again.

Best to make a clean break. No looking back.

Be firm.

Be strong.

Besides,

it's---time----to-----go---------SHOPPING!

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Pickin' Cones and Pitchin' Stones

Ah, spring. That time of year when innocent little children frolic in the green meadows, twining fragrant wildflowers into fairy crowns to adorn each other's hair.

In another world, maybe.

Around here, spring is the time to pick up ALL the pine cones in the yard. This is the main purpose of conifers: dropping pine cones. I guess they think no one will notice. Perhaps they feel entitled to special privileges, what with staying green all winter and looking so very wonderlandish with snow upon the boughs.

But come spring, it's payback time. Pinecones all OVER the yard. There are the loose kind that crunch under one's feet. Then, there are the tightly packed cones that become deadly missiles when launched by the indiscriminate blade of a mower. Thus, we pick up. THIS year, unbeknownst to me, Carolyn rushed through her school several days in a row and managed to pick up five trash bags of cones, with a little help from Ethan. Atta girl, Carolyn!

Another sign of spring is the annual "ditch-stone pitch-out." We took a 50 minute break from school today, and swarmed the ditch for this purpose. Living on a gravel road has it's good and bad points. There is the quiet, laid back kind of atmosphere, but there is also a bounty of stones that appear every spring. I'd always assumed they just pop up, sorta like mushrooms after a rain. However, I am beginning to suspect that they are really put there by the road graders during snow plowing. Yes, you have to get up pret-ty early to put one over on ol' Ma.

Anyway, while they were tossing stones back onto the road, I gathered up the remaining fragments of pinecones and discovered that, not only were there not enough to feed the family, they weren't even edible! (But they do leave a nice sticky residue on one's hands) They made a lovely, hot fire :-) But getting back to stoning--I figure just 3 or 4 more days, and we may be half done. (Boy, Ardith, I'll bet you really miss this part of home life..... )

With warm weather inundating us, and hard work out of doors, I was sorely tempted to dig out a pair of shorts. Naturally, I issued an alert for small animals and young children. There's nothing worse than the shell shocked look of a freaked out youngin' who has just seen a pair of pasty, varicosed veined legs. Personally, though, I always get a thrill out of having that kind of an effect on people. (and animals) *smirk* It takes so little to amuse some of us.
__________________

On the graduation front, I have nailed down a reservation for a pavilion at a local (Longview, Texas) park. I am most happy! I have made plans, only slacked off a little, and the fruits of my labors are starting to ripen. At this rate, I may even get Ardith's graduation announcements mailed out by the end of summer. (down girl, down! no need to get cocky)

So, here's to spring, to budding greenery and graduating seniors. To Western Meadowlarks and Red Winged Blackbirds.

And most of all, here's to being productive AND frightening, all at the same time.

Multi-tasking--I love it.

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Wheelin,' Dealin,' Plantin,' and Whinin'

Many, many things in the works......

*takes moment to allow brain to emerge from swirling fog of activity*

-gave Ethan his last practice test to prepare him for the Test of Iowa Basic Skills. He, Derek, Carolyn and Melinda all have to take it to meet state requirements. This is Ethan's first year, and, by gum, I wanted to make sure he knew how to fill out those little circles!

-had a short refresher course with the other testees on the "Sources of Information," section, on which we always seem to score abysmally low. Fortunately, the state just looks at Math and Verbal composites.

-found map and printed out directions (all by my lil' ol' self) so it will be IMPOSSIBLE for me to get lost when I drive the kids in for testing on Thursday and Friday.

-made headway in obtaining a caterer for Ardith's graduation shin-dig. But, since our fax machine would not cooperate, the restaurant and I had to resort to old fashioned methods, such as phone, and, get this, snail mail. Special thanks go out to Heather, for being such a helpful daughter to poor old "Ma." She was IMing me and on the phone with the caterer at the same time. Is this not a wonderful world?

-bought a few trifles on line in consideration of someone's upcoming birthday. She shall remain anonymous.

-burned half the cookies intended for snack *slight verbal reprisal aimed at oven*

-supervised kids planting radishes (two kinds), carrots, lettuce, potatoes, and peas in the garden

(Did I mention that most of this things were happening simultaneously? Thus, the brain strain)

But, the capstone occurrence to the day was Jason finding his admission ticket to the ACT test this Saturday. Plus, he likes burnt cookies!

I guess I will have to put him back in the will.

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Fat-line With Jim and Bob

(voices heard backstage)

"....I'm tellin' ya, I shoulda been sent to Rome! If this network weren't so freakin' cheap...."

"10 seconds to air!..."

"Can it, Bob. We're just pawns."

"Pawns have rights, too!"

"Hush! Doesn't the name 'Prince Charles" mean anything, today? Come on, it's almost air time."
*adjusts tie*

"In five, four, three, two,..." *points to anchorman*

"Good evening. We come to you, once again, from the heartland of America, revisiting the site of that epic computer struggle. This time, however, the troubling scenario is of a completely different nature. It seems the matriarch of the family, who goes by the name of 'Ma,' has been attempting to lose a few pounds. Let's check in with our intrepid field reporter, Bob. Bob? What can you tell us?"

"Well, Jim, it's another dicey dilemma out here on the windy prairie. You have all the ingredients of a no-win situation: a woman, a will, and a non-compliant scale. It's crunch time, Jim. From a Fat-line exclusive interview, I can give you this excerpt from 'Ma,' herself": "I've foregone chocolate. I have exercised. I have skipped desserts. I have been hungry every day. I have even choked down cereal with "twigs" in it! What more must I do? Has the whole world gone mad?"

*sound of static*

"And, Jim, it was at that point that she went totally BERSERK and our electronic equipment began flying in all directions. I'm telling you, we were lucky to get out of there with our lives. Apparently, what tipped her over the edge, was getting on the scales this morning and discovering that, overnight, she had gained back almost every ounce lost in the past 2 weeks."

"Wow, Bob. Is she alright?"

"What do mean her, Jim? What about ME?"

"Uh, right, Bob. Are you OK?"

"Well, Jim, I could really...... *sniff*....... use a hug....."

"OK, Bob. Pull yourself together, now, old man. Counselors are on the way. In the meantime, can you give us an idea as to her current emotional state?

"Jim, at this very moment I am hearing what sounds like singing coming from the house......we'll see if we can get up a little closer........*sounds of stealthy footsteps*

"No-bo-dy knows------da trouble--- ah----- seen. No-bo-dy knows......"

"Well, there you have it, Jim. Pretty poignant stuff, if I do say so myself."

"But, Bob, are we talking the heart-rending, sorrowful, in a touching kind of way poignant? Or, are we going more for the overwhelming, excruciating and piercing type of poignant?"

"Both, Jim. It's definitely both..... *sobs*...... How soon can those counselors get here, Bob? Me and the boys.....we're......we're really hurtin,' man.....*copious sniffing*......."

"Steady, Bob. Steady. *turns to audience* And there you have it, folks. That's all for the Fat-line Report. Goodnight."

"That's a wrap! Thank you, everybody. Good show. Hey, who wants to join me for pizza?"

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One More Day...

......until my self-imposed denial of chocolate is over.

*sets alarm for 12:01 a.m.*

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Today's Accomplishments

1) Worked at the church 2 hours. Turned all the clocks ahead. The pastor came in, releasing me from changing all his souvenir clocks brought back from oversees tours as military chaplain :-)

2) Cut five boys' hair. Finally got the hang of the new clippers, for the most part. Wish you could see Trevor! He has a nicely shaped round head that just begs for a buzz cut. Maybe I can get Sharon to take a picture and post it on her blog.....(I would try, but am still having what are commonly referred to as "issues" with my computer, but, I don't want to get into that now..)

3) Walked 4.5 miles

4) Went another day without chocolate, except for 3/4 of protein bar which has thin pseudo-chocolate coating, but, I hardly think that counts, since the taste bears little resemblance to chocolate. Besides, I needed something after that walk.

5) Helped entertain surprise company, partially by cutting two boys' hair while guests talked to Loren. What can I say--I am driven.

6) Ignored the trash that needs to be burned. OK, I am not that driven.

7) Ran to closest town for supplies. Well, to be precise, I drove the car :-)

8) Gave smirk to a lovely little sporty number sitting in the parking lot with it's impeccably groomed owner sitting behind the wheel. Deliberately drove past him with my cracked windshield and maroon hood on my way out, so he could get a look at how "the other half" lives. Felt pious.

9) Listened to "The Prairie Home Companion" fundraising show on drive home, and gave serious consideration to pledging money so my name could be put in a drawing to win tickets to the midwest tour this summer........*sigh*.....oh well.

10) Discovered the last of the three pizzas to go in the oven was square, instead of round, not fitting ANY pan I have. Apparently, it is no longer safe to let "Ma" go shopping, alone.

11) Decided to reward self for being SO FREAKIN' GOOD all week, by eating one piece of pizza.

12) Despite losing an hour tonight, made tentative plans to watch Red Green, which runs from 10 to 11.

13) Promised self to still get up for Sunday School in the morning. Attempt to arrive before SS start time, to spare same self from children's mortification comments, later.

14) Forewent (is that a word?) watching Lawrence Welk so I could blog. Did not miss the Aldridge Sisters and the Ottwell Twins. Hey, nobody needs to smile that much.

15) Did 2 loads laundry, in addition to thowing Jason's load in the dryer and transporting finished product (which, I might add, came out in superb condition) up to boys' room. "No, son, don't thank me. It is reward enough to imagine people looking at you tomorrow and being awstruck at how tremendously sharp you look."

Ever humbly yours, "Ma."

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The Fat Report: Day 12

Finally, FINALLY I do believe there is progress to report. It is just barely possible, though not official, that I have lost a pound or two. And I didn't even have to employ my nifty "recalibration of the scales," technique.

And that brings to mind something I have wanted to share for awhile:

"Ma's Methodology of Weight Monitoring."
-always weigh in the morning
-after using the potty
-sans vêtements (as in, clothes)
And for best results:
-remove watch
-spit as much saliva as possible into sink,
-exhale
(shaving of head is optional)

Sanity Watch: Considering I have not had one morsel of chocolate since Sunday night, I am exhibiting amazing lucidity and emotional restraint. In other words, I am no more spacey or crabby than usual.

I can honestly say that not even one speck of that heavenly byproduct of the cacao bean has crossed my lips. There was a close call on Wednesday, when in a moment of serotonic deprivation, I absent-mindedly picked up some crumbs from an empty pan of chocolate chip cookie bars. But, at the very last moment, I came to my senses and, with horror, cast them down.

Today was the weekly shopping trip, and I made several purchases as experiments in the area of weight loss.
-low carb protein bars *gasps and rushes to look at box* "ARRRRRRRRGGGHHHHH!" I forgot they had a thin coating of chocolate on the outside....*pounds head in frustration*

Well, OK. A minor faux-pas. But I have otherwise closely adhered to my self-imposed week-long denial of chocolate and desserts. (and I thought I was being so good....*sobs quietly*)

-extra veggies and fruits
-low-fat dressing (I'm not touching that fat-free stuff. I've tried that and it's gross)
-1% milk, for Loren and myself, since it seems we need to lower our collective cholesterols (I seriously doubt that we can make the jump to skim. There are just some things no person should have to face.
-a can of Red Bull (sugar free) "With taurine. Vitalizes body and mind."

How shall I describe the taste of Red Bull? Hmmm, well, it reminded me of a couple of fermented fruits that lost their way enroute to the garbage disposal. I tried, but could not drink more than half the 8.3 ounces. Those 8.3 ounces being lightly carbonated, to ensure that you taste it again, and again.... The protein bar, while somewhat lacking in flavor, at least had the presence of mind not to revisit one in such an effervescent manner. Perhaps the "stars" drink Red Bull to keep up their energy and lose weight, but my mind and body shall just have to "make do" with less vitalization.

*sigh* only 3 more days till I.....can.......have.........chocolate...............*clunk*

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